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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The hardest night

After hours of bumping along on narrow rough roads raised high about the flood plains, careening wildly past rickshaws and pedestrians and trucks and bicycle transport vehicles carrying everything from cages of chickens to bamboo poles stretching far ahead of the cyclists, we pulled into the gate of a large complex.

“This is where we will stay,” said our host as we glanced around at our rather puzzling surroundings. Expecting a hotel or guest house, instead we were in the middle of what used to be a large government training centre and housing facility – a place that had long since been abandoned by whoever had envisioned a purpose for this mess of buildings and paths and ponds and fences. It looked a little like a sixty year old university campus that had seen ten years of use and then been left to crumble slowly back into the earth.

“One of the problems we have in Bangladesh,” continued our host, “is that when our government changes, they abandon any projects that were started by the last government in power. This place is a good example of that. Totally abandoned by the government. Some people rent space in some of the buildings, but mostly it sits empty. Nobody cares for it any more.”

In one section of the compound, the army had taken over a few buildings. Soldiers lounged in the shade of an overhanging roof. In another area, the group that was hosting us made use of a few stark-looking offices in a ramshackle building where doors hung precariously on rusty hinges. In another area, we saw signs of people living in parts of a large dormitory. We never learned who these people were or why they lived there. Occasionally, we saw a child playing quietly on a decrepit play structure.

The van pulled up in front of the place that would be our home for the next two nights. Calling it one of the nicest buildings in the complex only slightly raises its merit. It was decrepit. And dirty. And sadly beaten down and unloved. At one time, it had been the home of the training facility’s director and his family, so it showed some signs of past comfort - like a large pillared patio in the front and a small sunroom off the main bedroom - but time and the ravages of too much heat and too many storms and too many bugs and other critters had taken their toll. Broken windows hanging on battered hinges, war era cots on rusty bed frames, layers of dust and mouse droppings – this is what greeted us when we entered.

Perhaps worst of all were the bathrooms. Broken or missing toilet seats (or no toilets at all – just holes in the ground), filthy sinks, signs of human excrement plastered on floors and walls… and the smell. OH the smell!

It took us a long time to go to bed that night. Still suffering from jetlag and too many hours on the road, we were all beyond exhaustion. But none of us felt inclined to venture into the bedrooms. It just felt like too much to bear for our overly-pampered Canadian sentiments. We tried to make light of it, but underneath, there was an unmistakable tone of disappointment.

At some point in the evening, someone showed up to do some rough wiring (the kind of makeshift wiring one can only imagine if you’ve visited a developing country), with the intention of giving us access to electricity in the bedrooms. Ceiling fans were supposed to offer us some respite from the oppressive heat.

Not long after the wiring happened, though, the power flickered off. Standard fare for Bangladesh – just wait an hour or two, it might come back on again. If you’re lucky. We lit candles.

Then the storm started – a storm like I have never seen before. Sheets of rain erased any sign of other buildings across the compound. Wind whipped through the courtyard, bending huge palm trees to their knees. We stood at the open door and gaped at the power of that storm. Was this a cyclone? We’d seen the devastating impact of a cyclone just the day before in a village where every home, animal, fishing boat and many people had been ripped apart and destroyed.

The storm didn’t last long, though, and then it was back to contemplating whether we could actually settle down to sleep on beds that looked like they’d been left behind after a concentration camp closed down. Sleep gnawed at our eyelids, and eventually we could avoid it no longer.

In my room there were 2 beds. I chose the one that looked the least suspect (ie. had the cleanest sheet) and lowered the dusty, tattered mosquito netting. No screens on the windows or doors meant that I was sharing the room with about a hundred mosquitoes. The mosquito net didn’t offer a lot of hope, however, with it’s worn out seams and peppering of holes. I tried to ignore the myriad of blood stains from past visitors.

Before climbing under the mosquito net, I hovered over the seatless toilet while swatting hungry mosquitoes that landed on my exposed backside. I brushed my teeth with water from the bottle I’d brought with me and closed my eyes to ignore the dirt on the sink as I spit into it.

Back in the bedroom, I tried to pretend that the thing that fell from my mattress while I tucked in the mosquito net was not, in fact, a cockroach. With nothing more than candle-light to guide me, I couldn’t be too sure what I saw.

I also tried to pretend that the geckos on my walls would stop their loud clicking noises once I blew out the flame. I was wrong. Geckos can talk all night long. And wild dogs fighting outside your window can sound very much like dying children.

With no bedding other than the dirty sheet and pillow on the bed, I tried to make myself reasonably comfortable on the lumpy mattress. I wrapped a towel around the pillow to give at least my head a clean place to lie.

For the next few hours, I lay with my earphones in my ears, listening to music to try to transport myself away from the discomforts of that place. Thank god for mp3 players. Mosquitoes attacked my head relentlessly, geckos clicked, dogs snarled, hot air wrapped itself around me, and I lay sleepless.

At 3:00 a.m., the power clicked back on and the fan whirred to life. With it, a bright fluorescent light transformed the darkness to stark white daylight. Too much light – I didn’t really want to see how truly disgusting the sheets were. I climbed out from under the useless mosquito netting and tried to find the appropriate light switch. Though there were at least half a dozen switches in the room, none of them extinguished the glare. I tried again. Nothing. I stepped out of the room to look for a switch in the hall. None. I tried all the switches two more times. Still nothing. It seems that when they wired my room, they’d forgotten to wire the light to a switch. I was stuck with the light for the rest of the night.

I climbed back under the mosquito netting and cried.

Eventually, I managed to drift off to sleep for a few brief moments. But then the diarrhea started and I found myself making repeated visits to the seatless toilet in the dirty bathroom.

Morning finally arrived. Relieved, I stepped out of the room to greet my fellow travelers. It was then that I noticed my legs. They were covered with hundreds of red welts. Bed bugs had feasted on my bare skin.

Later that morning, we drove through the village. We saw miles and miles of meager homes - shacks made from bamboo poles and corrugated tin sheets. Some of them had been torn apart by the storm the night before.

After a leisurely boat ride, we stopped to visit a work site where hundreds of men laboured to dig the mud out of the bottom of canals. They were trying to re-excavate the canals so that they could provide better drainage during the rainy season and better irrigation when it was dry. Covered in mud, these men worked tirelessly, lifting baskets of mud on their heads, climbing up the steep sides, and depositing the mud at the top of the embankment. For their back-breaking labour, they were paid with enough grain to keep their families fed each day. Nothing more.
At the next site, the women of the community were carrying the mud that had been excavated from the canals a few days ago, depositing it on the top of roads to raise the roads above the level of the floods that come every year, and patting it down to avoid erosion. Dig mud, fill basket, carry it to the top, dump, hammer it down with sticks, repeat. Endlessly repeat. In mind-numbing sameness day in and day out.
At the end of the day, these people go home to their tin shacks. The women gather their children from wherever they have spent the day and they prepare whatever meal they can muster from what they’ve been paid that week. Rice and perhaps, if they’re lucky, some curried lentils. They eat a few grains of rice with their family, lie down on their mud floors with no mosquito nets, mattresses, or pillows, and they sleep. Probably too exhausted to notice bed bugs or mosquitoes or geckos or heat or cockroaches or fighting dogs. The next morning they get up and repeat the cycle.

When the rains come (which will happen in a few months), they abandon their homes and camp out on embankments until the flood ends. Every year, their homes are flooded, and year after year they have to rebuild their lives. Some years, a cyclone comes and takes with it their children, their homes, and whatever livestock they’ve managed to buy from their hand-to-mouth wages.

That night, back at our accommodations, we ate our meal of rice and two kinds of curried vegetables and fish and fresh bottled water and yoghurt and fresh fruit and tea with sugar. And then we rested under the shade of our sturdy home-away-from-home, where everything had remained dry even in the vicious storm of the night before.

I tried to swallow the shame of my discomfort and complaints.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I'm a big loser

But a big winner too! With my 15 pound loss since Christmas, I'm the winner of our office's "Biggest Loser" competition.

I now have $100 to spend on new Spring clothes to fit the slimmer me. Yippee!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Faces





(Just a taste of things to come)

Friday, April 04, 2008

Home again, home again, jiggity jog

In case you're still popping in to this rather quiet space now and then and you're wondering if perhaps I fell off the face of the earth, don't worry, I'm still alive.

I made it back home from India in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday. But I was only home long enough to sleep off a bit of jet-lag, do a load of laundry, have a hot shower in a clean bathroom (oh, what a luxury!), and meet my new niece, and then it was off for a couple of days of girl-bonding and rejuvenating poolside with my mom, my sister, my daughters and my niece.

How was the trip, you ask? Well, it will take some time to answer that question. Parts of it were amazing and exhilarating, like the hours spent on a rather rickety wooden boat visiting the Sundarban islands. And the miles and miles of picturesque rice fields and fish ponds. And the many delicious meals of curry and lentils and seafood of various kinds. And then there were the people - so many wonderful, genuine, compassionate and brave people.

But more parts of it were really quite hard. This was definitely the hardest trip I've ever taken. I've been to developing countries before, and I've seen some pretty difficult things, but nothing I've seen in Africa quite prepared me for this.

I think the difference can be summed up in one word - hope. Most of the people I've met in Africa have at least a small amount of hope for the future. "When the rains come, our crops will be better." "When the government changes, things will turn around." "When the conflict ends..."

But in this trip - especially in parts of India - there seems to be a depressing lack of hope. Most of the people we met are of the lowest caste in the country - the "untouchables". They are simply resigned to the fact that life will never get much better than it is right now. The government won't make any effort to change things (even though they're more economically stable than in the past), they'll never have access to land so even the weather won't change things for the better, and most of the other people in their country believe that they deserve no better than they're getting. The resulting hopelessness evokes a certain deadness in their eyes that's going to stay with me for a long time.

Add to that a number of rather horrible accommodations (bed bugs, dirty sheets, stinky bathrooms, sporadic electricity, noisy geckos, mosquitoes), many, many hours of bumpy roads and scary drivers dodging rickshaws and bicycle transport, and a head cold that started on the flight there and hasn't ended yet, and it makes for a rather tough couple of weeks.

It's going to take a while to process all that I've seen, so bear with me if I write about it from time to time. There are some memories I won't be able to get out of my mind until I process them a little more, and for me that usually involves writing about it. So you'll probably get to share some of the processing.

Hopefully in the next day or two, I'll have some pictures posted.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Thirteen things I don't want to forget

Is it Thursday today? I'm really not sure, but in case it is, here are thirteen things I don't want to forget about this trip.

1. The little girl in Barguna who followed me around grinning and reciting her new English words "We are all connected."

2. The giggling little girl in the low caste Musahar village where no on else smiled for the first hour of our visit.

3. Sitting on the boat, listening to the drumbeats along the shore.

4. Children running through the village covered in paint from the Holi festival.

5. The woman who proudly showed us her sewing machine and ner new sewing skills.

6. Those moments in airports when we were greeted by our hosts and I could relax because the planning had been successful and nobody's wires had been crossed.

7. The relief of two exceptionally good camera men.

8. Rickshaw rides.

9. Darting through chaotic traffic and emerging alive on the other side.

10. Standing at the top of ferry boats and watching other boats go by.

11. Sleeping in a clean guest house after too many nights of bed bugs and dirty sheets.

12. All that lovely fabric coming home in my luggage.

13. Flower petals thrown by giggling school children.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Battered but not broken

On November 15, these children and their families lived through Cyclone Sidr. Winds of up to 250 kilometres and a wall of water about thirty feet high wiped out their homes, their livestock, their food, their fishing boats, and in some cases, their family members.
The cyclone hit at 9:30 at night. After dark. Those who could stay afloat searched frantically in the murky water for their loved ones. Some of the bodies were later found hanging from the treetops.
As we walked down the road, more than one person stopped to motion to me. They wanted me to understand the water washed right over the road. Right up to the treetops. Some pointed to corrugated metal from their houses still hanging in the trees.
Their stories will stick with me for a long time. So will the smiles of these resilient children.
Tomorrow we go to India and leave the beautiful people of Bangladesh behind.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Arrived!

We made it to Dhaka, Bangladesh! Most of the little hurdles have been crossed succesfully. We still don't know if we'll get into India, but I'll leave that worry for another day.

The people of Bangladesh have been incredibly hospitable and gracious. We have been warmly welcomed here.

Now here's hoping I'll sleep well tonight and tomorrow I'll no longer feel quite so much like my body's been dragged through a meat grinder. Arriving at 2:00 a.m. after 24 hours in transit is pretty exhausting.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Catch ya on the flip side

I'm going to Bangladesh. There are still some fairly major hurdles to cross, but I'm going.

In the meantime, though, I've gotta go play My Little Pony, the board game, with Maddie. She's been attached to my hip all morning - trying to get the most Mommy time she can.

I probably won't blog much, but I'll tell you all about it when I return.

Cheers!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Ongoing saga

Complication #542 - Though I can now go to the first faraway country, our new cameraperson (from the second faraway country) may not be able to enter the country. (Not just a minor inconvenience when your whole purpose of traversing the globe is to produce a film.)

I don't think I'm exagerating when I say it's the 542nd complication. Seriously. I started planning this trip in January, and nothing has gone smoothly. Absolutely nothing. When the dust settles, I'll write a long list of all the things that have gone wrong and I'll most certainly bore you all to tears.

Today, every time I open yet ANOTHER email with bad news, I find myself laughing hysterically. It's about all I can do. I'm way past Murphy's law by now.

Somehow, I must convince my brain that I really AM leaving for the other side of the world in 2 days. Somehow, I have to start getting at least marginally excited about it. How do you turn a knot of stress - that feels like it's the beginning of an ulcer - into a flutter of excited energy? How do you begin to pack for a trip you haven't been able to convince yourself you're actually taking?

Some of my colleagues are thinking of posting a "will Heather REALLY arrive at her destination?" guessing pool on the website. The winner gets a free t-shirt. Or an expired airline ticket.

Here's hoping my luck begins to change the moment I step on a plane. Provided I actually get ON the plane and don't get run over by it.

Monday, March 10, 2008

How do you spell S.T.R.E.S.S?

10:30 this morning
- 4 passports mysteriously lost in the mail/courier (yes, for those who are paying attention, AGAIN!)
- 1 possible tracking number (for the missing package with the passports) that doesn’t reveal anything was shipped
- 1 possible tracking number that shows a package was delivered to an undisclosed address in Toronto (but is it MY package with MY passport?)
- 0 people who can tell me where the package was sent
- 0 people in a particular consulate who will show any form of compassion or cooperation (or even answer the phone most days)
- 5 non-refundable airline tickets to 2 faraway countries – departure date 5 days away
- 1 camera person withdrawn from the film project (1 of the 5 non-refundable airline tickets)
- 1 possible camera person to be hired sight-unseen from one of the faraway countries
- 0 visas for 2 countries
- 1 film permit for 1 of 2 countries
- 5 days left to obtain visas, finish writing film script, pack, pray that passports arrive and film permits and visa applications are approved, sign contract with unknown camera person, make sure the family has clean laundry, get money in the necessary currency… oh, I’d better stop before I depress myself

3:30 this afternoon
- 1 less item of stress on above list. The passports have arrived in our office (I nearly kissed them) and are now on their way to the OTHER consulate (the one that knows something about customer service - the one that approved our film permit and promises visas before our departure date)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I sat in the parking lot, working up the nerve to go inside. Could I do this? Could I really make a change this big? More importantly, could I stick with it? “God,” I whispered, “if this body really is your temple, you’re going to have to help me treat it that way.” I opened the car door and walked across the parking lot.

“I want to sign up for a membership,” I told the girl behind the desk – quickly, before I could lose my nerve. “Here’s a list of the classes you can join,” she said, after I’d filled out the necessary paperwork and handed her a cheque. “There are lots of choices of times for aerobics classes, step classes, yoga, etc. Or if you prefer, you can just use the machines and weights. What time of day do you think you’ll be coming in?” “Six o’clock in the morning,” I said, gulping a little at my bravado. “Really?” that other little voice whispered in my head. “You REALLY think you can get up that early in the morning to go to the gym? Ha! You’ve gotta be kidding!”

Trying to ignore the pessimist in my brain, I set two goals for myself. Lose at least 30 pounds by my birthday (in May), and run the 2.6 mile super-run with Nikki at the marathon in June.

That was January 21st. In the seven weeks since, I’ve been at the gym at least six mornings a week – usually at six o’clock in the morning. At least forty-two times, I’ve proved the pessimist wrong.

As of this morning, I have lost 11 pounds. And just this morning I ran 2.6 miles on the treadmill without stopping. If you’re not an overweight, out-of-shape over-forty-year-old, you might not know just how good that feels. Just believe me when I say it’s so SO good.

Even better? It turns out that I LOVE going to the gym. Really love it. Crazy, eh? I look forward to it so much that I often consider going in the evening too. And on the rare weekend morning when I have to miss because of a soccer game or a trip to the airport, I’m disappointed.

Other than riding my bike in the summer and chasing after small children, I’ve done very little exercise in the twelve years that I’ve been a mom. I haven’t been a member of a gym since back in my single days. I really didn’t expect to enjoy this. I thought it would be pure torture every single day, and after a month or so of subjecting myself to torture just because I’d paid for it and didn’t want to waste the money, I’d drop out.

But – surprise, surprise – it’s not torture. Sure it’s tough, and I’m not too fond of dragging my tired body out of bed that early. But mostly it’s delightful. It’s delightful walking the three blocks to get there in the crisp quiet morning air. (Yes, I’m lucky it’s so close.) It’s delightful pushing my body to new limits. It’s delightful feeling the pain of the last push of adrenaline at the end of the workout. It’s delightful getting to know some of the other women who are mostly very much like me at a small homey neighbourhood gym. It’s especially delightful stepping into a warm shower afterwards and letting the water wash the sweat from my body.

I keep expecting the novelty will wear off (there goes that pessimist again). It hasn’t.

What surprises me the most is just how spiritual it feels to be pounding out my footprints on the treadmill or flexing my muscles on the weight machines. With my music playing in my ears, it feels like meditation – like prayer. Even a little like communion. It feels like God really is visiting this humble temple.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

My new son

My new friend Pugeni has taken to calling me "Mom". Umm... that would have made me TWELVE when I gave birth to him. I think it must be a sign of respect in his culture to call an older woman Mom. I don't mind. He's a good son. :-)

He's left us for the west. I'll miss him. He inspired me in ways that will stick with me for a long, long time.

While he was here, I took him to visit the snow sculptures. They completely dumbfounded him. "People do this for RECREATION? In the FREEZING COLD? And then it all melts in the Spring?" Too puzzling for him to comprehend.
He left me with a present. A bar of soap. "This is what the rich people use in Zimbabwe." It probably cost him a fortune - especially in a country in which the economic situation is so unstable they can rarely get milk in the markets, let alone soap. (Their inflation rate is 150,000 percent. Yes, that's really FOUR zeros. He says that it's increasing so rapidly, the price of a carton of milk can go up in the time it takes to carry it to the cash register.)
He can probably never afford to buy a bar of this kind of soap for his wife, and yet he brought one for me. I feel completely humbled by it. (And I felt a little guilty remembering how I'd so callously unwrapped a bar of Dove so he could have a shower that morning.) I haven't decided whether to leave it in its wrapper on my bathroom counter to remind myself how privileged I am, or to lather up every day in honour of him. ("I'll feel like a rich woman," I said to him when he gave it to me.)

Some day, I want to go to Zimbabwe to visit him.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Embarrassed by riches

I think every North American should have the opportunity to host someone from a developing country in their home at least once in their lifetime. It's delightful to watch the wonder in their eyes, and humbling to see the shock.

Pugeni is visiting from Zimbabwe. Today was his first full day in a country outside of Southern Africa. There were many firsts for him today - the first sight of snow ("wow - I had no idea it would cover EVERYTHING! And you can walk on it!"), the first visit to a Canadian church, the first trip to a North American grocery store with shelves overflowing with abundance, the first Slurpee (my kids were determined he needed that experience), the first time bundled up in layers of jackets, gloves and a hat (while the rest of us celebrated the relatively lovely weather by walking around in unzipped jackets) - the list goes on and on. By the end of the day, he looked completely overwhelmed with the newness of it all.

Pugeni's life is so much different than ours. He is thrilled to be visiting Canada, but he can hardly comprehend all that he is seeing. "You can get milk every day from the store? In Zimbabwe, we rarely have milk available anymore." "These vegetables you're serving for lunch - this is what the rich people eat in Zimbabwe." "I think people in Canada like to drive big cars. And so many of them drive alone." "It seems like people here really like to eat." "Everything is so CHEAP here! You mean you can buy batteries for FOUR dollars?!" "You have it so GOOD here!"

The most humbling of his comments was his response to our house - a house that by North American standards in very modest (and about half of the square footage of an average-sized house). More than once, he mentioned how big our house is. That was even before he'd seen it all. There was a look of shock on his face when I took him downstairs to the family room where I'd prepared a bed for him. "You have ANOTHER room down here?" he asked, incredulously. "My, your house is SO BIG!" And then he spotted our second computer. "You have computers everywhere!"

I started to feel embarrassed about the abundance I was now noticing as I looked around the house and glimpsed it through his eyes. Two rooms full of comfortable couches to sit on. Two tables for people to eat at. Two bathrooms. Shelves and shelves of books. Electric lights to brighten every room. More clothes than we can fit in our closets. A pantry and freezer full of food. Abundance beyond his wildest imagination.

He told us a story of a time when he'd been visiting Botswana. He'd traveled to the local market and had been so surprised to see the availability of meat that he'd bought 7 pounds of it, quite certain that he'd lucked out and visited the market on a rare day when meat was readily available. When he'd arrived back at the house of his host, proud of his wealth of meat, his host had laughed at him and said "but there's ALWAYS meat at the market - we could just buy more tomorrow!" Living in Zimbabwe, where the economy is deteriorating on almost a daily basis, he'd grown accustomed to the scarcity of precious food like meat and oil.

After lunch today, I was glad that Pugeni was out of the kitchen when I loaded the dishwasher. Suddenly I felt embarrassed by the ease of my lifestyle, where water flows freely into a machine that does my dishes for me.

Pugeni is sleeping now, in my "luxurious" basement. Ironically, he almost didn't stay with us, because I usually don't think we have enough room for overnight guests (after all - they have to sleep in the family room because we don't have a spare bedroom). How could I ever think that, with all of this space? Why do I still always want more? Why have I never noticed just how much food is sitting on our pantry shelves? Why do I worry about my ratty furniture and stained carpets?

I hope I remember the look on Pugeni's face the next time I wish my house were just a little bit bigger.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Journeys of the mind

Sitting behind me on the bus this morning was a man who was having an interesting conversation. At first I thought he was on a cell phone, but I soon realized there was no cell phone, nor was there anyone sitting with him engaged in the other side of the conversation. No, his only travel companion was in his own mind.

The conversation went something like this:

Billions of people do it. Every day. New born babies do it….
I saw a photograph of Jesus Christ once. It was like those pictures where a million tiny pictures make up one bigger picture…
You have to understand, son - you usually get so upset…
It’s KK. You know – KK – with Tom and Joe on 92 CITI FM…
I’m Metis. Aboriginal. But white too. White people don’t like me and Aboriginal people don’t like me either….
People say to me “smoking will kill you”, but none of us is going to live forever, are we? Maybe we are. Maybe we are….
I know whom I have believed…
I’m not German, but I’m Dutch…

It was an interesting bus ride. I wonder what journey his mind was taking him on. I also wonder whether, if those of us who feel like we have a good handle on our mental capacity were to speak every one of our random thoughts, it might sound a little similar.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The wisdom of a child

Above the cacophony of the birthday party going on downstairs (Nikki turned 12 last week), I heard an odd noise that sounded something like “home…home…home…” coming from one of the bedrooms. I tip-toed down the hall to investigate.

There was Maddie, perched on her bed, her back toward the door, sitting in a lotus position with her outstretched hands pointed sky-ward. “Om…Om…Om…” she repeated, like a miniature yogi in deep meditation mode.

I stood and watched her for awhile, enthralled with yet another way that this five-year-old surprises and amazes me. Why was she here when all the excitement was downstairs?

Despite my efforts to stay silent, she spotted me. I thought she might be embarrassed, but she smiled a welcoming smile.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Meditating.”

“Why are you meditating?”

“Well, I just thought I needed time to myself so I wouldn’t get too worked up.”

“That’s a really good idea. Did someone teach you how to do that?” I knew she’d never seen anyone in our house model a meditation pose like that. Perhaps her teacher or a daycare worker had showed her.

“Nope. I just taught myself,” she said, matter-of-factly, as though it were commonplace for a five-year-old to disappear to her room for a time of meditation.

A few days later, I heard the “Oms” coming from her room again, and this time I didn’t interrupt. Another time, she said to me “Mom, let’s go meditate together.” So we did.

For twelve years I’ve been a mom. You’d think by now I’d know that these little people entrusted to my care teach me way more than I can hope to teach them.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

You're still my one and only!
And you're still a little bit crazy!
P.S. Thanks for cleaning the bathroom on your birthday. :-)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Just call me Alexander

Remember the story of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Well, that's me today. I don't know whether to cry or beat my fist against a wall. Neither would do any good, but at least I'd have an outlet. Or a hole in the wall.

It's a long and sordid tale, and I can't really go into any specific details, but it has something to do with dealing with foreign consulates, trying to get the necessary permits and visas for our trip, a passport that was supposed to be back in Edmonton by Friday but wasn't released by the consulate, a frantic few days in which we tried to track down said passport and have it couriered there in time for a flight to Hawaii today, momentary relief when the passport was found and in the hands of a courier, followed by another frantic day while the courier company couldn't track down the package that was supposedly in Edmonton but couldn't be found (slipped off a conveyer belt), in the end resulting in a missed flight to Hawaii, an unhappy couple of people, and me feeling like I'm the one to blame even though there was so, SO much of this that was completely out of my control.

And after all this, an overwhelming sense of dread that we won't actually be able to manage to pull off this trip to Southeast Asia because there are still so many hurdles to pass through. Navigating foreign bureaucracy can sometimes feel a little like tip-toeing through a minefield. I'm not sure what's going to blow up in my face the next step I take.

Alexander's got nothing on me. Or the guy who's supposed to be basking in the sun in Hawaii tonight but is still in cold Canada.

(In the end, the passport was found and he'll get there a day late.)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Just give me eight steps

Today I want eight steps. Eight easy steps to a happier healthier you. Or eight steps to living the life you've always wanted. Or eight simple steps to losing 40 pounds without even trying. Or eight steps to whipping your house into shape and keeping it that way. Or eight mind-blowingly easy steps to getting that book published you've always dreamed of. Or eight simple things you can do to turn your children into the most obedient, most cooperative children on the planet.

Today I don't want to do the hard work - I just want someone to tell me the eight easy steps or "the secret" so that I don't have to slog through all the crap along the way. Today I want to breeze through life in a straight line instead of taking one step forward and two steps back.

Why is life never quite as linear as those eight simple steps seem to suggest?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

It all depends how you look at it

When I look into Maddie's room, I see alot of boxes. She looks in and doesn't see a single one.

Instead, she sees an airplane, a house for Joe Banana, a swimming pool, and a guest house for all of Joe's friends. It's a magical room for a magical little girl, where cardboard transforms into whatever she wants it to be.

What do you see, boxes or possibility?

Friday, February 01, 2008

Basking in the glow

Oh how I love a good singer-songwriter – someone who paints magic with words and a guitar. Check out some of these lines and see if you don’t agree with me that Martyn Joseph is one of those…

Exhibit #1
“It’s the weight of the world
that gouges the land,
shrivels the sand,
praises the bland
And it’s the weight of the world
that frenzies our fears
so when hope disappears
we start sharpening spears”

Exhibit #2
“We ask virtue to defend us
but she’s got a new career,
selling pills to make us grateful
and time-shares for our soul.”

Exhibit #3
“Faith – The other side of knowing
and a thousand questions how”

Exhibit #4
“And all I really know is that kindness is better
than any sort of terror any kind of spite.”

Exhibit #5
“But that seems like the place we could start now
Ripping prayers through the open sky”

And that’s only the words! The music adds a whole other layer to that magic painting.

That’s just from his latest album. I’ve written about some of his older stuff before. He’s been my companion for many a melancholy day. Like the day that the abandoned tanks in Ethiopia made me cry. And the day after I found out my unborn nephew has a tumour on his back.

Everybody needs a good cd or two that’s just the thing you reach for when you’re torn between melancholy and hope.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Thirteen

1. I’m going to a Martyn Joseph concert tonight! Yay! I love concerts and I LOVE Martyn Joseph!

2. On his online journal, Martyn referred to Winnipeg as “one of his favourite places on the planet”! No, he’s not from here. He’s from Wales. (So there - people from Calgary - you know who you are - SOME people like this place!)

3. One of my new favourite TV shows is called The Border.

4. One of my old favourite shows is Corner Gas.

5. Both are Canadian shows.

6. I’m happy to find good Canadian shows, because we’re not well known for great television programming (with some definite exceptions).

7. One of my favourite movies of this year is also Canadian. Away from Her. See it if you can – it’s definitely worth it.

8. I’m pretty sick and tired of the way this cold weather dries out the skin. I seem to be itchy all of the time.

9. I’m going to Bangladesh in March, and this week I remembered that people in Bangladesh were considered (by some researcher) to be the happiest on the planet. Sounds like a good place to make friends.

10. It’s a delightful moment when your 10-year-old daughter phones you at work and says, “Mom, where are the chocolate chips? I want to make cookies.” Smile. I’m rather fond of her. (Even if she beats me at speed Scrabble.)

11. I heard this line in a Neil Young song yesterday and it made me want to write poetry… “We know where the music is, let’s go out and feel the night.” Hmmm… nice.

12. Neil Young is also a Canadian. We certainly have raised some great talent up here in the cold north.

13. I brought some oatmeal and dried apricots to work this morning and made myself a lovely breakfast (complete with a little milk and a touch of honey). Mmmm… I think I’ll do that more often. I’m not usually hungry for breakfast until I’ve been awake for a couple of hours, so this was perfect.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Because change is as good as a rest

That old blog template was getting tired. Plus I needed a little colour to help fend off the doldrums in the middle of this cold snap we're having.

There are good reasons why the new header doesn't include any recent pictures...It's because you can't see my face these days! That's right - it really is THAT cold!

In other news, thanks to the link from the wonderful-Andrea-who-finds-the-coolest-artsy-stuff-online I made a funky tote bag out of fused plastic bags. I love it! Don't throw away your plastic bags!
If you live in my vicinity and have an abundance of plastic bags, I'd be happy to take them off your hands. The girls are jealous of my funky bag, but I don't have enough shopping bags around the house to make any for them (I've gotten pretty good at bringing my own bags to the store).

Heroes and Sherpas

Have you ever heard of Tenzing Norgay? No?

What about Sir Edmund Hillary? Of course – the great mountain-climber who was the first to reach the top of Mount Everest. We’ve ALL heard of him.

But his greatest accomplishment wasn’t done alone. He may not even have been the first to reach the top.

Tenzing Norgay was his Sherpa. He guided Hillary up that mountain and may have even stepped on the summit first. In his lifetime, he probably spent more time trekking up and down Everest than any other human being. But you probably didn’t hear about him in the history lessons. (An interesting side note: Norgay never learned to read or write, but spoke several languages.)

Which begs the question – how many great heroes throughout history were only heroes because they had the right Sherpas by their side?

And another question - are you called to be a hero or a Sherpa?

Monday, January 28, 2008

We're not perfect

The premise for this show is irking me just a little. (Okay, maybe a lot.) “The Week the Women Went Away.” I haven’t watched the show, so I can’t make any fair judgement on the content, but I am certainly entitled to my opinion about the premise.

When are we going to get past the stereotypes, assuming that men just don’t “get it” when it comes to household chores and raising kids? And that women are just so much superior in those roles (and every other role they put their minds to) that they are indispensable?

My husband has survived just fine without me for up to three weeks at a time. True, the kids’ clothes might not have matched as well, but does that really matter? They were loved and well fed and they’ve often survived various bouts of sickness when I’ve been away (okay, almost EVERY time).

The truth is, I’d probably have a harder time surviving if Marcel went away. There’s a pretty good chance the kids wouldn’t be fed as well – he’s the primary cook in the family. And I might miss a few appointments or soccer practices – he keeps a closer eye on the family’s schedule.

But you won’t see any shows about “the week the men went away”. No – that would be anti-feminist, suggesting women can’t survive without their men.

Why is it that we allow the media to do lots of “father-bashing”, but not an equal amount of “mother-bashing”? Watch the average sit-com (or the myriad of shows aimed at pre-teens on the Family Channel) and you’ll see the typical sit-com family, with a relatively smart mom who holds the family together, and a bumbling fool of a dad who’s more often the comic relief than the stable and wise father-figure.

Is that okay? No, I don’t think so. Perhaps we’ve done ourselves a dis-service by allowing feminism to paint an unrealistic picture of “super-woman” for all of us women to strive toward and by painting an equally unrealistic picture of “un-super-man” for men to be beaten up by.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Just don't put me on a game show

Julie just whupped me in back-to-back games of speed Scrabble. Now she's dancing around the house letting everyone know that apparently Mom is NOT smarter than a fifth grader.

Sigh.

Next time I'm playing against Maddie. The longest word she knows how to spell is "dog".

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The song that goes along with the post below...

Compliments of my very talented brother.... I dare you not to cry.

By the way, if you like it, let me know in the comments. I'll pick one name and send out one of his cds to the lucky winner.

(Ummm... turns out I don't really know how to imbed a song, even though I followed the instructions on Blogger help. You can download the song here. I hope.)

(In case you're new here and don't know the connection, Jack's mom is my sister, a.k.a. ccap.)

Crying on the bus

And then one day, you're on a crowded bus, hugging your duffle bag to your chest because all the seats are full, and the song your brother wrote for two special babies comes onto your mp3 player, and all you can do is let the tears flow even though you have no kleenex to wipe them and people are glancing at you and wondering if they should intrude or leave you all alone in your weepiness.

All you can think about is that season of loss before your particular verse of that song had any inspiration to exist. When you waited for weeks in the hospital, hoping against hope that your little one would see the light of day. And then living through that horrible, horrible moment when the downfallen look on your doctor's face as he looked at the ultrasound told the story you didn't want to hear. Followed by the phone call to your husband at work, when he answered the phone so cheerily and you had to tell him. The. baby. is. dead.

And the most vivid memory the song evokes is that day you first heard the song in your living room and you clung to your sister-in-law in your shared loss and longed for the day when the skies seemed a little more blue for both of you and hope peeked in your window to lighten the shadows of grief and pain.

And those thoughts can only lead you to one place. Jack.

And you pray through your tears, with every ounce of earnestness you can muster, "please PLEASE don't let there be another verse to that song."

And you know without a doubt that if falling to your knees on that bus full of people meant that the prayer had any more power, you would do it in an instant.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Breakfast

I'm sitting here munching on my yummy bran muffin and sipping my morning tea. Because these are quite possibly the best bran muffins in the world, I thought I'd share my recipe. It's one of those recipes that is so well used, the stains on the cookbook page are starting to make it hard to read.

The next time you'd like some bran muffins that are tasty and oh-so-moist, but still low-fat, try these. I'm pretty sure you'll be pleased.

Pumpkin Bran Muffins

¾ cup natural bran
¾ cup whole wheat flour
¾ sugar (last night I used about ½ cup honey instead)
1 ½ tsp cinnamon
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt
1 cup raisins
1 cup cooked pureed pumpkin
2 eggs
1/3 cup vegetable oil
½ cup plain yogurt

In a large bowl; combine bran, flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda, salt and raisins. Toss to mix. Add pumpkin, eggs, oil and yogurt. Stir until just combined. Spoon batter into 12 paper-lined or non-stick muffin tins. Bake at 400 F (200 C) oven for 25 minutes or until firm to the touch.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Not so very sad

So apparently yesterday was the saddest day of the year.

Normally, I probably wouldn't disagree with Dr. Arnall about blue Monday in January, but this year's an exception. For one thing, I think I got the January blahs over with in the middle of December when I was so burnt out I could barely think.

Plus I have a trip to look forward to, which always helps to wipe away the blahs. Ah... dreams of curry and saris and warm sunshine and new smells and new tastes and new acquaintences dance through my head.

On top of that, for some reason, I've had an energy burst in the past few days that's gotten me feeling elated rather than blue. I've caught up on so many of the household things that have fallen behind lately that I'm downright proud of myself. Yesterday alone I hemmed 6 pairs of pants and mended 5 more. (Yes, some of us in the household were getting a little desperate in the pants department.) And on the weekend, we finally returned the basement to a liveable state, so I no longer need to stare at the mess and despair that it will ever be presentable again.

I think the energy boost has something to do with the fact that I'm finally eating a little healthier, plus life seems a whole lot more managable at work.

So today I wish you all "happy-day-after-the-saddest-day-of-the-year!" Things can only go up from here!

Friday, January 18, 2008

What the kids know

Nikki (incredulously): "Mom, we're learning about racism at school. Can you believe I was the ONLY kid in the class who knew anything about the Ku Klux Klan? And the ONLY kid who knew that Martin Luther King had been assassinated?"

Sheesh! Aren't those OTHER parents teaching their kids ANYTHING? (She says smuggly, knowing full well that her daughter's love of history came from the OTHER parent in this relationship.)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thirteen random things

1. Apparently all I needed to do to fill up my comment box was to say the word “dog” and people start coming out of the woodwork! Thanks for all the helpful advice! Julie will be thrilled. (And I’ll keep you posted.)

2. I’m a little ashamed of myself for not having made any effort to go over and meet the new neighbours who moved next door in November. My goal this weekend is to go say hello.

3. For those of you who miss her witty and “spit-beverages-at-your-screen” hilarious posts, I spoke with Whippersnapper this week. She is alive and well and just doesn’t have much brain power left after teaching and parenting to formulate posts. But she’s reading this one, so if you beg and plead in the comments, we may be able to convince her to come back. (Please, PUH-LEASE Whip! Just do what I do when I’m drained – type the first 13 random thoughts that pop into your head.)

4. I finally wrote something and submitted it to an editor yesterday. I don’t think I’ve managed to do that once in the last year, because all of my energy (and then some) was consumed with a crazy year at work. Even if it doesn’t get published, I’m just happy I’m back in the game.

5. Speaking of work, I updated my workplan last week (wherein I identify my progress on the goals I set a year ago) and MY GOSH I accomplished a lot last year! No WONDER I was completely exhausted by Christmas!

6. I didn’t put it on my workplan, but one of my goals this year is “friendship”. With all the craziness of last year, plus the ongoing craziness of parenting, I invested very little energy into friendship. This year, I’m making it a priority.

7. Remember the creativity retreat I was going to plan? Well, it got put on the back burner last fall (see #5 for the reason), but after I get back from India, I’m going to try to pull it together. One of the people who is eagerly anticipating it bugged me about it yesterday and I committed to her that I would follow through.

8. Did I mention that we managed to hire someone into the vacant position on my team? Woohoo!

9. The pieces are beginning to fall into place for my trip – one week in Bangladesh and one week in India. We have a weekend of spare time in between, where we’re flying from Dhaka to Kolkata to Patna. If anyone has been there, can you tell me which of those three places would be the most interesting to spend the weekend?

10. Either my daughters REALLY like muffins or they are so surprised to see mom suddenly bake that they’re humouring me just to make sure it happens again. Two batches disappeared faster than I could make more.

11. There’s a stack of about 300 receipt letters sitting on my desk waiting to be signed. I think I’ll have a sore wrist by the end of the day.

12. I love picking Nikki up after her practices with the developmental soccer team. She’s not normally very talkative, but there’s something about these practices (I think it has a lot to do with good, encouraging coaches) that turns her into an animated, chatty girl.

13. A year ago, I was in Ethiopia where it was SOooo warm. Unfortunately, around here this week, it’s SOOooo cold.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Gulp

It's no secret that I'm not much of a pet lover. At best, I'm a pet tolerator. It's not that I have NEVER loved a pet. Oh I could wax poetic about how I used to love to ride our beautiful and fast horse, Prince. I could probably even conjure up tears - or at least a lump in my throat - if I thought long and hard about what it was like to lose Curly, our longtime family dog. And I remember with fondness what fun it used to be to hunt for the new kittens on the farm, when we were certain Snappy had given birth to yet another litter.

But in my adult years, I have never wanted a pet. I have to be honest - caregiving is not one of my greatest skills. I'm just happy I managed to keep three kids alive - I'm not sure I want to have the survival of yet another creature (that's not even part of my bloodline) reliant on me for its care.

And yet... here's the really scary part... are you ready for it? We are considering getting a dog. Yeah, let that sink in for awhile.

You see, if I don't consider it, Julie may go through life believing I am an ogre of a parent, depriving her of her heart's desire all these years. And I'm not sure I want to live with that legacy. (Though if she starts asking me to help provide the kind of pet care Michele has had to live with in the last couple of years, I think I'll stick with being an ogre.)

Julie's Christmas list looked something like this:

books
DOG
clothes
DOG
games
DOG

You get the picture.

She has become obsessed with this singular goal in life. At Christmas time I told her "well, if we were to get a dog, it wouldn't be in the dead of winter. Ask me again in the Spring." And then I told her, "if this is something you're serious about, then you need to do some research to find the right breed of dog for our family - one that won't shed and mess with your dad's allergies, one that won't require constant attention and frequent exercise, that's good with kids, etc."

Well, since she heard that tiny offering of hope, she has done little else but research dogs. She is fast becoming an encyclopedia of dog breeds. At first, she wanted an American Eskimo, but that long hair looks like it would end up all over the house (keep in mind that this is a girl who doesn't even like to brush her OWN hair, so I'm not convinced she'd do the weekly grooming required.) Then she began to set her sites on a Pug.

So, here's the thing... I know alot of you are fond of pets. In fact, I think that among my blog readership, I am seriously outnumbered in my lack of deep affection for pets. So I need your advice...

1. What would be the best breed of dog for a family like ours, that tends to be a little on the lazy and "less-than-meticulous" side? (I need a non-shedder who's okay with not being walked half a dozen times a day.)
2. Which breeds are good with children?
3. What's the one thing you wish you'd known before committing to having a dog around the house?
4. Is it possible to have a dog trained well enough that it can go 8 hours without having to go outside? I'm really not interested in a pet that will dramatically impact our schedules.

And speaking of pets, hearing Andrea talk about her love for her recently-departed dog Zappa has definitely given me moments when I've thought "hmmm... I wonder what it would be like to love a pet like that?" You really should check out her new painting of Zappa. I love it when she shows the progress a painting goes through before the final product emerges.

Friday, January 11, 2008

The stain etched on our hope

I have a new little nephew hoping to be born in a few months. His name is Jack. I saw his ultrasound picture today - his curved head and his round belly and what looked like bubbles being blown from his mouth. I also saw his undeniable male-hood. (Apparently he's not as shy about showing off his private parts as his cousin Matthew was.)

We pray for Jack's safe journey into this world. We pray for a miracle. We pray for continued hope. Please pray with us. We need a boy in the family - a boy who will live and live well. Who will tease his sisters and cousins. And make his daddy grin.

Here's the beginning of Jack's story - a story we hope will be long and interesting.

Today I cried for you

I had ideas for posts last night, but then a phone call came that wiped everything else from my mind. A few hours later, when I finally had a moment alone on a computer, what came spilling out was this...

Lament

hands lost in soapy water
I glimpse the reflection in the window
a face that looks older than it did
an hour ago
before your call

tears dripping
I scrub pots and pans
and wish

the stain etched on your hope
washed away as easily
as the remnants of today's supper


p.s. The story is not mine to share, but if you are the praying type, whisper a prayer for pain unspoken.

Monday, January 07, 2008

May there be peace

I've been feeling a little heartsick about what's been happening in Kenya. When you've walked on the soil of a country and let yourself be touched by its people, you can never again ignore the news of that country quite as casually as you did before. In the past three years, I've been touched by many Kenyans, and with them, I grieve the turmoil their country is in.

I think of Esther, who gave me the beautiful earrings I'm wearing today. A woman of great wisdom and compassion, who sees the beauty in prisoners and prostitutes and dedicates her life to helping them find wholeness and hope. May she be safe today.

I think of Fidelis, who speaks boldly and with passion, challenging rich North Americans to set aside their arrogance and self-assuredness and not assume they have the answers for Africa. A woman who teaches farmers that their own ingenuity and strength can build a better country. May she sleep peacefully tonight.

I think of Daniel, who's here in Canada, far from his family. A young man who wants to use his skills as a teacher to offer hope and a future to young students. I think of his sister Agnes, still in Kenya, whose shy smile brought me great pleasure. May they both rest assured that they will see each other again some day.

I think of Paulina, who so humbly and graciously welcomed me into her mud hut and offered me friendship. May she hold her children close and not fear for their safety.

I think of beautiful and bold Sheila, studying for her masters degree in Canada so that she can work for a better future for people living with HIV/AIDS. Sheila, who comes from Kisumu where much of the violence started. May she know that her family is safe.

I exchanged emails with my Nairobi-based uncle last week. He and his family are safe and their lives have not been dramatically impacted (though they can't go very far from home), but I know that his heart - that is so full of love for Africa - is hurting a little too.

May there be peace in Kenya. May there be bridges built between tribes and political parties. May goodness prevail over evil.

Friday, January 04, 2008

In Cahoots

Quite awhile ago, some of you might recall I posted some interview questions for an article I was doing on blogging. Many of you were kind enough to respond to my questions. I used your quotes, and the article was accepted by Cahoots Magazine. It took them awhile to use it, and then they went through a transition in which they switched from a paper magazine to an ezine, so the article became a little dated (Karla's baby was still growing in her tummy, and now he's a year old already!), but here it is nonetheless.

But don't stop there... make sure you check out the companion story by Karla. What fun it is to be published together with one of my favourite blog friends (who also happens to be a great writer)!

By the way, if you're visiting through a link on the Cahoots page, please be kind and leave a friendly comment. I love to know where visitors come from!

Be sure to bookmark Cahoots. It is one of my favourite magazines (one of the only things I read cover to cover when it shows up at my door) and I'm positive you won't be disappointed with the electronic version.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

I resolve to

- listen to good music
- read good books
- engage in stimulating conversations
- let go of regret
- go for long walks
- seek peace
- be kind
- pursue friendship
- encourage boldness
- pause to gaze at dandelions
- forgive others
- forgive myself
- savour delicious food
- walk gently on the earth
- light candles
- be inspired by others
- embrace the ordinary
- let beauty surprise me
- watch my children play
- stare at snowflakes
- smile at strangers
- get my feet wet
- give something away
- pray
- take pictures
- play in the rain with my daughters
- take a risk
- let people change me
- listen to stories
- go for dates with my husband
- create something new
- pause
- taste a new food
- gaze with wonder out of a plane window
- wait contentedly
- be available
- limit my expectations
- ask cab drivers to tell me stories of their home countries
- drink water
- sit by a campfire
- be open to surprises
- ask good questions
- reduce, reuse, recycle

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Going...going...gone

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Sigh. I want another week of holidays.

Here's what I did:
- went skating with my kids
- went bowling with my extended family
- celebrated Christmas Eve at Marcel's sister's place
- celebrated Christmas Day at my sister's place
- watched Julie bake and decorate a birthday cake for Auntie ccap
- ate a couple of good meals at my mom's place
- went to a movie with my siblings
- went to a couple of movies with my kids and assorted nieces and nephews
- watched 5 soccer games
- ate lots of great food at the annual New Year's Eve brunch at church
- ate lots of great food at the Prairie Bounty open house
- went to see the New Year's Eve fireworks
- slept late almost every morning
- tore out the remainder of the ugly carpet
- painted the floor
- painted the walls
- played some lame computer games
- played some less-lame board games
- partook of the annual "candy and pop" breakfast on New Year's Day with my daughters (do you know that Coke at 9:30 in the morning makes me sick to my stomach?)
- took lots of long baths

Here's what I didn't do:
- Christmas baking
- much cooking
- read anything more intellectually stimulating than People magazine or Reader's Digest
- visit the shopping mall - not for Christmas shopping nor for "Boxing Day Blowout" sales
- blog
- clean the house
- have any company over

Happy New Year everyone!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Stuff

If you haven't seen this yet, you should.

I think we need to heavily tax "planned obsolescence". And "perceived obsolescence" too. You'll get what I'm talking about if you watch the video.

It's a good thing to watch at Christmas-time.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Friday Five

Okay, time to move that grumpy post down beneath the fold. I’m really not THAT miserable. Just worn out and not very motivated. But here are a few things that made me happy yesterday:

1. When I got home from work yesterday, Marcel and the girls had done some of the housecleaning PLUS Marcel had moved the furniture in the basement so that we can tear out the last of the 70s carpet and finally (hopefully) finish renovating. I might get my Christmas wish after all.

2. Julie had to bring cookies for her Christmas party at school today, and she very capably made them herself. And cleaned up after herself too. (I am very fond of this capable and independent stage my oldest two daughters have reached.)

3. I came up with a very simple, very tasty, and very pretty offering for the Christmas potluck at work today. Tortilla wraps with cream-cheesy goodness (some with cranberries and feta cheese, others with goat cheese and pears). Some tortillas are spinach and others are sun-dried tomato, so they look downright Christmasy sliced up on a plate.

4. Did I tell you I’m going to India and Bangladesh in the new year? Yeah, lucky me. The plans are starting to fall into place.

5. Nikki is back in action. Turns out the “fracture” was really just a bad sprain and she can start playing soccer again, with a brace on her ankle. Happy girl, happy mom.

And, because it’s Christmas, the weather outside is not-so-frightful, and my mood is much more delightful, here’s a bonus:

6. Today’s the last day of work before 11 days of holidays. What’s not to like? AND, I get to see some of my favourite people soon – my brothers, sisters-in-law, and nieces and nephews. Ah, I’m feeling that warm glow comin’ on…

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Thirteen signs you're lacking Christmas spirit

1. You go to the annual Christmas concert at school with a very bad attitude and you leave feeling the same way.

2. Not even the kid who baaas like a sheep in the middle of the Twelve Days of Christmas can cheer you up.

3. You disappear with your family for two days of frolicking in a waterpark and sleeping in a hotel rather than deal with Christmas preparation.

4. Your biggest regret is that you didn’t stay in the hotel one extra night so you could have missed the annual Christmas concert.

5. You don’t put up much of a fight when your oldest daughter begs to go to the soccer party rather than the Christmas concert.

6. Instead of subjecting yourself to the dreariness of Christmas shopping, you hand all of your kids money and say “Merry Christmas – knock yourselves out.” And then you sit back and relax as they shop with reckless abandon.

7. You make no attempt to send out Christmas cards.

8. When you finally dig out the Christmas decorations, you let the kids decorate the tree and leave everything else in the boxes for another time.

9. A week later, you take the boxes back downstairs because you know you won’t get around to using anything else.

10.You dream of escaping to a tropical paradise and returning when the Christmas craziness is over.

11. Not only do you NOT do any Christmas baking, you don’t even open a cookbook for fear of the guilt it might induce. You can’t even come up with anything to make for the annual potluck at work and you consider skipping it.

12. You forgo your usual habit of buying a glossy Christmas magazine and flipping through and admiring the pictures of fancy Christmas baking, gingerbread houses, and handmade ornaments. You avoid glancing at them in the checkout aisle for fear that it might bring on that “I am SO not Martha Stewart” angst.

13. The only thing you want for Christmas is a clean house. And a basement that’s not stuck in a renovation holding pattern.

Friday, December 14, 2007

psst - this just in...

Maddie went to visit Santa’s village with her kindergarten class yesterday. She told me in a conspiratorial whisper yesterday “Mom – Mrs. Claus isn’t real. She wears a wig!” “And Santa Claus?” I asked, “Does he wear a wig?” “Nope. He’s real.”

So there you have it – Santa’s real, but he’s married to a FAKE!

Somebody pass me a soapbox

I know I'm probably messing with a sacred cow, but can I just say that I'm really quite sick of that Band Aid song? You know the one that's been on the radios every Christmas since 1984? Do they Know it's Christmas Time? Perhaps it was slightly appropriate for the 80s when Ethiopia was in the middle of a famine, and I'm sure it was meant in the right spirit and probably raised scads of money for a good cause, but pay a little attention to the words and you'll realize it's one of the most patronizing, ethnocentric songs around.

Walk with me through the lyrics...

It's Christmas time
There's no need to be afraid (Really? ‘Cause even at Christmas time, lots of people have reason to fear.)
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade (Oh c’mon. If that’s the case, then why are there so many suicides at Christmas time? In rich, comfortable
North America, that is. Not in "poor destitute" Africa.)
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy (Does plenty REALLY equal joy? I have my doubts. Sometimes plenty DESTROYS joy.)

Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time (long arms!)

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones (The OTHER ones? Isn’t that a little patronizing?)
At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun (What if I’m NOT having fun? What if all this craziness that Christmas has turned into has thrown me into exhaustion and near depression and I can barely cope?)
There's a world outside your window (So… inside my window there’s “fun” and outside my window, not so much?)
And it's a world of dread and fear (Always? Isn’t that generalizing it just a little? You know, I saw a whole
LOT of joy in Africa and probably less dread and fear than I often see in North America.)
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears (Ugh.)

And the Christmas bells that ring there (If they don’t know it’s Christmas, WHY do they have Christmas bells?)
Are the clanging chimes of doom (Wow. That’s dark. Is their ONLY hope that they might be rescued by benevolent, rich, patronizing North Americans? Some of the smartest, most hardworking and hopeful people I know are Africans.)
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you (Oh yeah – cause we’re SO much better than them, aren’t we? Again – a little patronizing. Not to mention not particularly grace-filled. Because God really does bless
America? And only America?)

And there won't be snow in
Africa this Christmas time (Umm… I don’t think they necessarily regret that.)
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life (Well, that’s not really OUR gift to give is it? Let’s drop the “Great White Hope” angle here, puh-lease.)
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows (Hello!? I saw PLENTY of things growing in
Africa. Let’s drop the meaningless generalizations. A lot of the problems in Africa are more about unfair markets and the exploitation of people by rich countries, not necessarily about things not growing.)
No rain nor rivers flow (Again – have you BEEN to
Africa? Lots of rivers and sometimes even too much rain. Yeah, I KNOW this was originally written in response to a drought and resulting famine, so I'll allow you a little leeway with this one.)
Do they know it's Christmas time at all (Do they care? Some of them are Muslim or Animists, etc. – they might not be particularly interested in our ethnocentric version of Christmas.)

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone (Lucky us – we get to sit in comfort and drink our wine and look down on “the other ones”.)
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun (Ah – that warm African sun. What I’d give for a little of that right now! Oh – that’s not what you meant?)
Do they know it's Christmas time at all

Feed the world, feed the world, feed the world (Yeah, okay, I’m not so very fond of the “feed the world” language. Perhaps “share food with them” or “improve the systems so that they can access their own food”, but “feeding” sounds more like something you do for animals or children. Let’s try to treat them more like our equals.)

Let them know it's Christmas time again (So… what’s to say our version of Christmas is better than theirs? Perhaps, instead of claiming superiority, we could build relationships with them and learn from each other. Many of my African friends know a lot more then I do about supportive communities and a spiritual approach to Christmas that is more about honouring the birth of Christ than it is about the excessive consumerism and self-centredness that North American Christmas is often reduced to. Somebody pass me a soapbox to stand on!)

Feed the world (Sigh. Didn’t we cover this already?)
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again (Again? Let’s drop it already. Maybe somebody could write a new song?)


According to Michael Maren in The Road to Hell: The Ravaging Effects of Foreign Aid and International Charity, “The starving African exists as a point in space from which we measure our own wealth, success, and prosperity, a darkness against which we can view our own cultural triumphs. And he serves as a handy object of our charity. He is evidence that we are blessed, and we have an obligation to spread that blessing… Starvation clearly delineates us from them.”


(Why do I have this feeling that I'm opening myself up to the wrath of sentimental people all over the internet?)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Beauty

Do you ever have those moments when you know there is something powerful and awe-inspiring at work in the space where you are? Something beyond yourself that makes you catch your breath with its beauty or power or inspiration? Something that gives you a tingly feeling because you know you were blessed to be there at that moment?

It’s not necessarily a big moment – sometimes it’s something very small and seemingly insignificant – but it’s usually a moment that changes you in some way. Sometimes it’s just a song that fills you with inspiration and hope. Sometimes it’s the glimpse of your child at play. Sometimes it’s a deep inexplicable knowing that there is goodness or beauty in the world.

I’m not sure what to call those moments, nor how to accurately define them. Words just don’t seem to suffice. I heard someone describe them as moments in which you “experience the sacred”. Others refer to them as “spirit-filled” moments. Probably for each of us, a different definition holds some measure of truth.

I had one of those moments on the train last week. As I gazed out the window at the passing scenery, I found myself mesmerized by the beauty of snow. Snow painting the tips of evergreen trees. Snow melting into droplets on the window. Snow crushed by the tires of a car. Fluffy white blankets of snow with just the hint of day-old footprints cutting like giant quilting stitches through middle. Snowflakes falling gently from the sky and mingling with the millions already on the ground.

Just then, a song started playing on my mp3 player. These were the opening lyrics: “Look out your window on a winter's morning, your breath is steam and there's frost falling, and the sun casts a spell upon the road. A thing of beauty is not a thing to ignore.” Wow. What a moment! This was not just some random snow-covered landscape. This was a thing of beauty. This was a gift from God for my hungry eyes.

While I sat there in awe of the snow and the song and the presence of God, the train rounded the corner and the vista changed. There spread in front of me was the great Lake Ontario in all its cold blue wonder, capped by white icing on the edges of the waves, blending into the blue, green and grey of the sky. The second verse of the song came on…“And the water does a dance upon the stones - I sit and listen, I will not ignore.” My eyes filled with tears at the pure wonder of it. I think I was shaking a little, feeling the indisputable presence of the sacred.

It is impossible to accurately capture these moments in words or even in pictures. Even the memory of it doesn’t do justice to the power of the moment. I am so grateful, though, that I was there and that I was open to encountering God.

Here’s a video that someone put together using the song as background. It’s quite lovely to watch. Be inspired.





Thing Of Beauty
Hothouse Flowers

Look out your window on a winter's morning
Your breath is steam and there's frost falling
And the sun casts a spell upon the road
A thing of beauty is not a thing to ignore
Great song of beauty

Stand by the river on a moonlight evening
Lovers are loving and grievers are grieving
And the water does a dance upon the stones
I sit and listen, I will not ignore

A thing of beauty is not to be ignored
Can't you see (can't you see)
It in the secrets of the dawn? (thing of beauty)
Can't you feel (can't you feel)
Can't you feel it in the place that you come from? (thing of beauty)

Face up to morning
Face up to day
Face up to reality
And face up to your ways

There is so much to breathe, see, know, understand and do
And I believe in things of beauty
Do you, do you?
Can't you see
Can't you see it in the secrets of the night? (thing of beauty)
Can't you feel
Can't you feel it in the wonder of a birds first flight? (thing of beauty)
Can't you see, can't you see it
See it in the gentle falling of the snow?
Can't you feel, can't you feel
Like a mother feels when she knows her child has grown?

Come to conclusions
I believe we all do
To look around us and the taste of the fruit
Set free your morals
It should be written on every door

A thing of beauty is not a thing to ignore
Can't you see (can't you see)
It in the magic when a boy meets a girl? (thing of beauty)
Can't you feel it, can't you feel it
In the wonders of the changes of the world? (thing of beauty)
Can't you see (can't you see)
It when right comes out of wrong? (thing of beauty)
Can't you feel (can't you feel)
It as it goes on and on? (thing of beauty)
Can't you see (can't you see)
It in what's left beneath the ground? (thing of beauty)
Can't you feel (can't you feel)
It in the mystery of sound? (of sound, thing of beauty)
Can't you see
Can't you see it in the glory of the sun? (thing of beauty)
Can't you feel, can't you feel it in the wonder of the one...
One
Can't you feel one and only?
One and only
Can't you feel it, can't you feel it, feel it
Thing of beauty?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sidelined

I should have been on the sidelines of the indoor soccer field last night, watching my agile, long-legged, beautiful daughter sprint across the field after the ball, doing her skip-step whenever she kicks it into high gear, weaving in and out of the opposing players with awe-inspiring skill (yes, I'm proud of her - how can you tell?), adding another goal to her growing total for the season. Oh how I would have liked to have been there.

Instead, I sat in the emergency room all evening, watching my agile, long-legged, beautiful daughter sitting in a wheelchair looking bored, disappointed, and uncomfortable.

Nikki fractured her ankle yesterday. For the next month or two, instead of sprinting across soccer fields, she’ll be limping along with crutches and a cast. It’s rather disappointing timing, with fun Christmas plans that include a trip to a waterpark, probably some bowling, a soccer tournament that she was invited to join with the developmental team, and lots of playing with visiting cousins, etc.

She’s a trooper, though, and she’s handling this all surprisingly well. She’s tough and independent. She hurt herself playing soccer in gym class at 9:30 yesterday morning (“Mom, I think I heard something snap”), limped around school all day, and didn’t even call me until almost 3:00 in the afternoon. Then, because it was too late for me to go get her, she managed to get herself home on the school bus.

She’s pretty determined not to ask for much help for anything either. When I dropped her off at school this morning, her teacher said “I’ll get the other kids to help her out with stuff.” And I said “good luck with that. She won’t very easily admit she needs their help.”

She was in a reasonably good mood this morning on the way to school, but I'm a little afraid that tonight, once the novelty of wearing a cast wears off, she'll be a very sad girl.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Home again

After 2 nights in Montreal (well, one was only half a night, since I got there really late, after a couple of mishaps at the airport delayed the flight, and then the cab driver got lost in Montreal), a train ride to Toronto, and then a few hours in Toronto, I am home.

- The meeting in Montreal was good. People were gracious and kind. They even laughed at my attempt to be funny, and they lapped up the free prizes and even applauded me. There was simultaneous translation for the workshop, so I spoke in English and some of the people heard "me" in French. And vice versa for the questions. I am in awe of anyone who can hear one language and speak in another language at essentially the same speed as the person delivering the message.

- The train ride was lovely. I wrote a bit, slept a bit, listened to music a bit, and stared out the window a lot. Purely delightful.

- I am really not very good at shopping. I know that sounds lame - shopping shouldn't take any particular skills - just go into a store and buy something. But I wandered around downtown Toronto for a few hours, thinking I'd get a good start on Christmas shopping, and I came home with nothing. I just kept finding myself back in the bookstore or coffee shop, seeking solace from the craziness of Christmas shoppers.

- I got home late last night, long after Maddie was sleeping. This morning, she was pleasantly surprised to find me in bed. She crawled under the covers with me and said "the country where you went on your trip must be a warm country, because you're nice and warm." Smile.

- Fortunately I had better luck today when I went shopping. I managed to complete almost all my Christmas shopping with one trip to Ten Thousand Villages. Yay for fair trade.

- There is a lot of snow in Montreal. Downtown, with its sparkly Christmas lights and mountains of snow looks like a winter wonderland. (Maybe I'll get some pictures downloaded tomorrow.)

- I've had enough business trips for awhile. Fortunately, the next one will be to a much more exotic place than the last ones have been.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Light at the end of the tunnel

All I have to do is survive this week and next week, and then I can FINALLY catch my breath. Just a few more meetings, one short business trip, a couple of presentations, a few concerts where I have to be the smiley person working at the information booth, at least one project I have to make some serious progress on, and then I can relax.

Oh how heavenly that word "relax" sounds to my ears right now!

After next week, I'll have two and a half weeks in which I only have to work three days! Woohoo!

In those two and a half weeks, please PLEASE do not ask me to commit to anything unless it involves some serious eating, sleeping, laughing, playing, reading, or relaxing. In those two and a half weeks, "NO" will be my favourite word for anyone who asks too much of me. I promise.

On January 3, 2007, I flew to Ethiopia for an exciting adventure. Little did I know that adventure would continue long after I landed back on Canadian soil. This whole year has been an adventure of new programs, new partnerships, new ideas, new challenges, new staff, new structures... oh the list goes on and on and now I'm TIRED.

There will still be lots to do when I get back after my two and a half weeks, but it can wait. I need a rest.

Monday, December 03, 2007

The person in the room

Whenever I facilitate a workshop or do public speaking, the energy of the people in the room can make or break the quality of my performance. It’s a give and take thing – if they give out positive energy, I’ll give it right back to them. The opposite is true too - if I’ve got good energy going in, I’m feeling confident, and they’re receptive to it, their energy picks up and we feed off each other.

Sometimes there’s one person in the room who wields too much power. Sometimes – especially if I’m feeling a little vulnerable or insecure – one person can suck the energy right out of me. Once, when I was speaking in church, I caught sight of a person near the back who sat with his arms firmly crossed shaking his head in disapproval while I spoke. It completely threw my concentration and I ended up fumbling my way through the rest of my talk and rushed to the end just to get it over with.

It’s even worse when I’m facilitating a workshop, and it’s not only negative body language I pick up, but negative comments and a resistance to feeding into a positive group conversation. I’m not talking about people who throw in ideas or thoughts that run contrary to mine – I can handle constructive disagreement and relish a healthy debate. I’m talking about those people whose negativity comes out in little jabs and passive aggressive undertones. Like the woman who once said under her breath, when she thought the discussion was pointless “I’m going outside to bang my head against the wall.” (My reply to her “a comment like that is not constructive to the process we’re engaged in. If you have a frustration, please voice it to the group.” That was the last passive aggressive comment she made.)

Fortunately, there are usually other people in the room who recognize the destructiveness of that kind of energy, and sometimes, with a little help from them, I can turn things around and not let it destroy the process. But on those days when I’m feeling a little vulnerable and insecure, it’s really hard to get past it and not let it destroy my confidence.

I have to make a presentation on Thursday in front of a group that I anticipate may be less receptive than many of the groups I present to. I’m trying to think of a few ways to liven up the energy a bit. I’m lousy at telling jokes, so I rarely bother with that, but I might need to think of something funny or light-hearted to start with. And I think I’m going to throw a few prizes into the mix – it’s a little manipulative, but sometimes I stoop to whatever lengths I need to for at least a few smiles in the room.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Good news!

1. Joe Banana has been found! (Daddy wins the prize for the best Dad ever for finding him.) At this very moment, he is curled up in his bed with his very best friend. There's a little reunion conversation going on in there, and I'm a little tempted to sit outside the door and eavesdrop, but I will resist. (By the way, if you were one of the nice people at the retreat who showed concern about Joe's disappearance, you can't imagine how touching that was. You can tell you hang out with a cool community of friends when they take an interest in a five-year-old's stuffed monkey.)

2. While half of the family was gone to a church retreat, Nikki got called up to play with the developmental team. (A real game this time - not just a practice.) Her first game with a more competitive team and... SHE SCORED THE FIRST GOAL of the game! So it wasn't only a mother's bias that she was good enough - she rocks! My only regret is that I missed her big moment.