Friday, September 29, 2006

It's not every day you get called an inspirational guru

Michele thinks I’m an inspirational guru. Now I have a reputation to live up to. So because it’s Friday and I’m tired and can’t think of anything else to write, here are my best inspirational tips for the day. (Just pretend I’m a wrinkled old woman sitting in my little hut high up in the mountains and you have trekked for days through the snow just for the honour to sit at my feet and soak up my wisdom.)

- When your daughter is tossing and turning and coughing and crying in your bed in the middle of the night, it’s a good idea to have a bucket handy. Because it really sucks when she pukes all over and you have to change your bedding at midnight.

- Crackers and cheese in a ziplock bag = one of the easiest alternatives to sandwiches when you have 3.2 seconds to get your kids out the door.

- And here’s one of the nuggets I gave Michele yesterday - if you’re a writer or an artist, and you need a little boost to build your confidence and to get your creative juices flowing again, buy a nice portfolio (I have a nice faux leather binder) to feature your work and then spend some time arranging it in an attractive way. It’s nice to remind yourself of what you’ve done now and then and it might help you sell yourself to a potential client.

- Jealousy sucks. Always be nice to other people who share your craft, even if they quickly outpace you and soon have two textbooks that they’ve written which don’t really fit into that lovely portfolio I mentioned above.

- If you don’t want to look like a dumb blonde, don’t use the word “stocker” when what you really mean is “stalker”. And if you want to act like you’re all knowledgeable about Canada, don’t spell “Winnipeg” as “Winnepeg”.

- If you want to have an easy life in which everyone likes you and you don’t have to make decisions that tick people off, don’t become a manager. My mistake.

- If you’re riding the bus home, and some drunk man shits on the seat across the aisle – well, I hardly know what advice to give here. What I did was ask the bus driver for something to put over the seat so nobody else would accidentally sit in it. Shudder.

- If you have an appointment with a designer who wants to show you the proof for the project she’s been working on, don’t go into a closed door meeting in your boss’ office just before she arrives and leave her waiting for half an hour in the reception area. Oops.

- If it’s your turn to bring treats for Friday coffee break, and your mom makes the most kick-ass cinnamon buns in the entire world, sweet talk her into letting you have some and then show up at the office with them. You’ll REALLY impress your colleagues.

- If it’s Friday and you want to avoid doing any meaningful work, sit around your office pretending you’re an inspirational guru with great wisdom to dole out to worthy peasants. Maybe even ask your colleagues to kneel before they enter your office. Except you might lose some of those points you scored with your mom’s cinnamon buns.

- If you want me to visit your blog, leave a friendly comment and I’ll visit. I’m not one of those rude people who don’t return visits. (At least I TRY not to. If I forgot to return your visit, feel free to leave me a reminder.) And I’ll NEVER call you a “fan” even when I have a million people climbing my mountain through the snow to sit at my feet. Aaahhh….

- Don’t eat yellow snow on your way down the mountain.

There - now I’m going to retire to my guru hut where I’ll recline on my silk-covered chaise lounge and have some of my servants feed me chocolates and grapes. Come back another day for more nuggets of wisdom.

(And if you find any spelling areas in the above post, and it gives you great glee to point them out, knock yourself out! But if you think I mis-spelled “honour”, that would be because you’re not Canadian and you don’t know the right way to spell things!)


Jones said...

I've come across your blog recently and must say I really enjoy reading it. You've got a flair for writing. Keep it up!
From another Canadian.........

Liz said...

So, did you take credit for making the cinnamon buns, oh wise one?

ccap said...

What a coincidence! I had Mom's homemade tomato soup for lunch.

Maria said...

Cinnamon buns beat blueberry muffins any day of the week. Especially if they are really gooey.

Poop on a bus? Oh, God. And I thought a bus farter was bad.

I actually keep a bucket in my car because Lily gets carsick easily. The only good thing about changing your sheets in the middle of the night is that when you finally fall back into bed, it is clean and you are exhausted and you can fall asleep instantly.

And consider me a fan, seriously, Heather. A FAN.

Gina said...

Thanks for the laughs, Heather!

You are a total guru!

Anonymous said...

I am with you on the bucket AND the cheese and crackers.

Puke on your socks at 2am does not help a situation.

And winepeg, I know you're the stocker talking about me. ;)

Irene S said...

You have a great blog.... Thank you!

Coll said...

"Crackers and cheese in a ziplock bag" I just may add that to my own bagged lunch for this evening. :-)

Jenny said...

Oh getting puked on at midnight. Unless you're at a frat party and it's your own puke that's never a good thing.

Not that I enjoy throwing up on myself at frat parties but you get the picture.

Dale said...

You make me smile, Heather. Chortle even.

Anvilcloud said...

Hey, I saw that stocker thing, but I desisted. I think you should send me a cinnamon bun as a reward.