Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Name three adjectives that begin with "un"

I’ve tried to write about four different blog posts today, and so far, I’ve deleted all of them. (If you can see this one, it means it didn’t face the same fate as the others.) I’ve tried to write about re-watching my fearless video halfway through the year, I’ve tried to write something about where I’m at with work now that the board approved my proposal, I considered writing about the creative stuff I did yesterday on my day off… none of it is working for me today. I’m scattered, listless, unengaged, unsatisfied… I could come up with a whole list of adjectives today, and most of them would have the prefix “un-“ attached to them.

Let’s start with “un-settled”. Lots of things feel unsettled these days. Marcel’s dad is back in the hospital (and may never be out of it again – who knows), so our emotions have been doing lots of flip flops. Mostly, I’ve been feeling kind of emotionally removed from the whole thing (it’s been dragging out for too long), but after spending a good part of Saturday night (my “fun day” ended in a “not-so-fun night”) in emergency with his mom and dad (Marcel was on driving duty that night but he was sick) and seeing how weak and lost he looks and how worn out she looks, I can’t help but feel the weight of the whole situation.

And how about “un-motivated”. Yes, the board approved my proposal, and yes, I appreciate the trust they put in me, and yes, some exciting possibilities were unleashed, but… does that give me enough motivation and excitement to stick around and invest in these really big changes? I don’t know. The whole thing really wore me out, quite frankly. I’m tired. I’m waiting for my passion to be re-engaged.

Let’s add “un-satisfied”. I’ve got lots of ideas blossoming and they feel like really good ideas and I so badly want to jump whole-heartedly into them, but I’m just not finding enough time and space and energy. I took yesterday off, and made a little more progress on my studio space and created some paintings for the space (and for my new website idea), but they felt like such tiny steps when I’m chomping at the bit to make some REAL progress. I have a full time job (that’s a little extra stressful these days), three busy kids that need to go to soccer games and who-knows-what-else, mountains of laundry, a house and yard that are looking increasingly unkempt, and that just doesn’t leave a lot of space for creative projects.

I’m trying not to get to “un-happy”, but it’s a slippery slope. I want some fresh space to open up, but I can’t see that happening for quite some time. Perhaps I need to let go of this blossoming idea for now. Perhaps I need to just be satisfied with letting it percolate for another year or two while I re-invest the energy it will take to be really good at my job again.

What do you do when a bad case of the “un’s” drags you down?


Anonymous said...

The first thing I'd do is get my vitamin D level checked, because taking massive amounts of vitamin D made SUCH a huge difference to my mood.

Beverley Baird said...

Thanks Heather for stopping by.
Yes the theme "live well" seems to be popping up. Last was on the map for True North and before that on the pink moon dreamboard!
Yet living well seems to be a bit distant right now. I can relate to the "uns" in your post. It seems we get shoved aside in the needs of others and work.
But school finishes Fri. and then I have plans for 2 months of creating.
I wish you well.

elaine said...

i surrender and leave my un-life and un - othering to be filled up and re-sourced in its own time... i can force nothing any more... such sweet relief.

Anvilcloud said...

Oddly enough, I began to think about you while driving home late one night on the weekend. No reason: it's just the track that came on in the random shuffle of my odd brain. What came to me is that you are probably over-extended. You have a big job, try to be super Mom and super wife. You paint, and you write and heaven knows what else. Why wouldn't you be weary, worn and sad? You demand an awful lot from yourself, but as someone said, you can do it all, but you can't do it all right now.

That's just what came to mind. As usual, I am probably wrong. I'm not a know-it-all by any means, but I pass those fleeting thoughts along in the off chance that they might have a bit of meaning for you.


Karmyn R said...

Maybe you need more un-winding and un-stressing. And remember its okay to feel this way sometimes.

Pamela said...

I'll let you know if I figure it out.
I seemed to get so much more done when I had less time to do it in.

You're doing an incredible amount of "things."

joyce said...

thought provoking.

The 'uns" are a natural part of equilibrium, i think. (ok... I wonder...) Sometimes I think we need to learn more grace for the un times because maybe they are just as important to our mental balance, life quality, and eventual fulfillment as the high points.