Wednesday, August 22, 2007

No previous experience required

As I was cleaning out my junk mail folder, I found myself wondering about the people who write these emails. Were they hired for the express purpose of writing and sending spam to millions of emails around the world? Or do they contract themselves out? Do they have business cards? If so, what's their tag line? "The best spam writers money can buy"? or "We annoy people for a living." or "Wanna lose your credibility? We'll show you how."

Can you imagine the job interview questions? Picture some young college graduate with big dreams and an advertising diploma tucked into his back pocket, walking into one of those obscure job interviews held in an undisclosed location with company X.

"Thank you for coming. Can you close the door behind you? You didn't tell anyone you were here, did you? Good, good, then let's get started. How are your writing skills?"

"Very good. Would you like to see a sample of my work?

"Nah, that's okay, we'll take your word for it. We're not talking about anything too complicated here. Have you written ad copy before?"

"Yes, I took a course in it and I got an A, so I'm sure I'm well suited to whatever you have in mind."

"Are you one of those anal retentive people who has to spell everything right, or are you okay with a few intentionally misspelled words?"

"Well, I suppose I could live it it, for the right purpose."

"Good, good. Do you have any qualms about annoying people for a living? I mean... you're in advertising after all..."

"Umm... well... can you explain yourself? Annoying people?"

"Let's move one, shall we? Do you have any experience with, um, pe*nis enlargement?"

"Excuse me? My mom told me you weren't allowed to ask me any personal questions."

"Oh, that's only if it doesn't have anything to do with the task at hand. Do you?"

"Well, not any PERSONAL experience."

"But you think you could write creative ad copy about them?"

"Well, I suppose..."

"Very well then. Would you be willing to share any na*ked pictures of yourself? Or at least a reasonable facsimile of your pe*nis?"


"Oops, I'm sorry - my H.R. advisor said I wasn't supposed to ask that until you've been offered the job. Forget I said that. How's your email address book? Do you have at least a hundred friends whose emails you'd be willing to share?"

"Ummm... I don't know..."

"Don't worry, it will all be anonymous - they'll never know you're involved. One last question - do you have any hobbies? Like perhaps fishing? Sorry... make that phishing?"

"I'm confused... just WHAT was this job for anyway?"

"We'll get to that. Okay, one last thing - how desperate are you to make money? Got any bad debt hanging over your head? Maybe a collection agency that wants you dead?"


Whippersnapper said...

Hahahahahaha, this was hilarious!!!

I have heard about these legendary p*nis enlargement emails but so far I haven't received one. I guess they know my p*nis is already so huge that... okay, well anyway. I haven't received the email from the Nigerian heiress either. WHY AM I ALWAYS LEFT OUT???????

Pamela said...

oh.. i get so many of those emails.
only two nigerian scams tho

I should have forwarded them to whipper.

I wonder how much those jobs pay.

karla said...

This is so funny Heather. I never quite thought about it like that, but I bet you have it nailed down to a T.

Coll said...

So funny.. I have wondered that very same thing.

Gina said...

Heather, this totally made me laugh.

Karmyn R said...

I have thought this many times - especially the spam comments I get on my computer.

Do they pay per comment or per word?
If the pay is good, I wouldn't mind doing it a couple hours a day. ha!

Stephanie said...

HA! SO funny!

Liz said...

I haven't received those emails either but that was very clever, Heather. Hopefully not spoken from experience on previous job interviews!!

Janet said...

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!