I'm here in body but not in spirit

This morning, the alarm woke me at 6:20 a.m. I hit the snooze button. Nine minutes later, I hit it again. What I really wanted to do was throw it against the wall. After two and a half weeks of sleeping late, being lazy, and going to bed late, it’s not easy rolling out of bed and convincing your unwilling body to go to work.

Summer vacation is over and I’m back at the office. My brain is not fully engaged yet, though. I don’t want to be here. I want to go to the beach with my kids. I want to go for a bike ride. I want to have lunch with a friend. I want to take Maddie to the play structure. I want to read a book. I want to do all those things I meant to do on vacation but didn’t get around to doing. I DO NOT want to work.

During the night last night, Maddie moved from her bed to the couch. This morning, when I walked through the living room on my way out the door, I found her there sound asleep. A feeling of melancholy filled a familiar space in my heart as I prepared, once again, to leave my children behind and go back to work. I brushed the hair away from her forehead as a lump formed in my throat. I wanted to curl up on the couch beside her and lay there with her until she woke up and smiled at me.

It wasn’t the most memorable vacation. As I’ve said before, in fact, it was a tad disappointing. We didn’t get to go on a trip. We didn’t get to go camping because of Marcel’s dad’s heart attack. We didn’t even get to go on many daytrips like we’d planned. Yes, it was a let-down. It wasn’t the vacation we’d hoped for. That being said though, there are still so many good things that it WAS. It was…
- sleeping in late and getting up only after Maddie crawled into bed or Julie snuck into the room, jumped on me and said “boo”
- lazy afternoons at the beach with the girls and assorted friends or family
- long baths with Maddie and sometimes Julie (yes, sometimes all three of us are in there at the same time and it’s just an ordinary-sized tub)
- leisurely lunch with a friend
- late night movies with my siblings
- a picnic in the park with my family, followed by a soccer game and visit to the beach
- picking vegetables in Marcel’s dad’s garden with his family
- painting sunny yellow paint on the bathroom walls
- ice cream treats with friends at Bridge Drive-In
- hanging out at Linda’s pool
- fishing and canoeing with bbb, ap and family
- finishing a few projects I’ve been meaning to catch up on (like the wall-hanging/quilt I made with the fabric print I bought in Africa)
- dinner and the drive-in theatre with Marcel
- finding the time to read a book
- a lazy afternoon playing games at my Mom’s house
- lots of little moments with my girls

I want to make vacation last forever. I want to be available for spontaneous fun things that pass my way. I do not want to be a slave to my pay cheque. I want to sit on the lounge chair in my front yard and watch the world go by. I want to eat cherries in the park (without the wasps, of course). I want to be able to drop what I’m doing and go play in the backyard. I want to read another book. I want to sleep late. I do not want to be here, sitting at my computer, wishing I could be doing something else.

I want a life of leisure. Sigh.