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Thursday, December 01, 2005

Just a few words of advice…

I’ve just finished reviewing 52 resumés, so, in case you’ll be applying for a job any time soon, I thought I’d offer a little unsolicited advice, based on what I’ve seen.

The next time you’re submitting a resumé for a job you want, DON’T, under any circumstances:
- include a picture of yourself talking on a cell phone with a fake smile pasted on your face. Your wife might tell you it’s the best likeness of you, but that doesn’t mean a potential employer wants to see it.
- include a whole page of quotes from everyone you’ve ever known, expounding on how great you are. One word – OVERKILL!
- tell me you’re overqualified, but you want the job anyway. I’m not impressed.
- phone and ask if you can go straight to the interview stage and skip the resumé stage. What are you hiding – the fact that you don’t know how to write?
- write a three line sentence in your cover letter using every big word and excessive adjective you can think of. If an employment counselor told you it was a good idea, don’t trust her – she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
- write a lazy e-mail. You may be able to get away with “l8r” or “btw” with your friends, but it just doesn’t work when you’re applying for a job. GRAMMAR, people!
- brag too much. There’s a fine line between honesty and outright arrogance – don’t cross it.
- cram your entire resumé onto one page. I don’t CARE if that’s the way the resumé book told you to do it – they were WRONG! I can’t POSSIBLY know enough about you to consider interviewing you if all I have is one page.
- apply for a job in Alberta, and then proceed to tell me you’re not willing to move there.
- bold almost every line in your cover letter. No, you won’t impress me by YELLING AT ME!
- tell me that you’ve hob-knobbed with some of the most wealthy people and corporations in the world. That might get you a job with an investment company, but not a non-profit organization.
- tell me you habitually work 16 hour days, 6 days a week. That tells me a few things about you – none of them flattering. Like a) you have no life and have to cling to your job for your sense of fulfillment, or b) you like to avoid your wife and kids and so spend most of your time at the office, or c) you work at a very inefficient pace and can never get the job done on time, or d) you like to soak the company for every bit of overtime you can get, or e) you haven’t got a clue what the word “balance” means, or f) you’re a workaholic with no personality.
- tell me that God wants you to have the job. God might, but he needs ME to cooperate!

7 comments:

Michele said...

are you serious? i can't imagine. btw, god told me this morning that i'm supposed to take the job and work from my home in winnipeg and don't even bother interviewing me, cause he said i'm supposed to have it and if you don't hire me, you'll be opposing HIM and i can do the work of four people cause i've got no life and i love my work so v.v.v. much

Linda said...

NO! NO! NO! God told ME I should have the job and that I can work my own hours and have summers, Christmas break and spring break off as well as all in-service days.

Dale said...

Some people are just so weird, eh Heather? LOL!!!

Accidental Poet said...

Funny. God told ME I should just get the paycheque. You have my address.

Anvilcloud said...

They all seem like pretty common sense guidelines to me. But I bet they did you a favour. How many were you able to trash almost immediately?

Gina said...

I used to feel sorry for some of the people whose resumes I had to review.

It was frustrating to see what they had on there, and I just kept thinking how they were ever going to support themselves if they couldn't even spellcheck their resume!

Simply Coll said...

I have held the same job for awhile and have no immediate plans to change.. but I must admit, that if need be, I am relieved to learn that more than one page is OK.