There are so many reasons why I don't call myself a "mommy blogger"

About ten years ago, when I was the exhausted and overwhelmed (oh - I could add a LONG list of descriptors to that) mother of two very different toddlers (who knew kids would come with different personalities?), I remember asking a mother in my acquaintance, who had teenagers at the time, if she would consider being a motherhood mentor of sorts, or starting a support group for young moms like me to whom parenting felt like traveling in a foreign country without a guide. She looked at me with a terrified look in her eyes and said something like "that would suggest that I actually think I know what the heck I'm doing! Oh no - I don't feel capable of doing that AT ALL!"

I didn't understand what that was about until years later when I'd been a parent for almost as long as she had. Oh my gosh! She's right! It doesn't get much clearer, does it? Here I am, with nearly 14 years of experience at this, and I still mostly feel like I'm floundering in a dark cave without a flashlight!

So... when Darrah asked me some interview questions about parenting (because she's newly married and dreams of filling her home with the sounds of children some day), I had a similar reaction to the one I received.  What the heck? You actually think I have a CLUE what it takes to be a good parent? Gulp.

It took me a long time to answer these questions, but here I go... trying to hold out a tiny dim flashlight for other mothers coming after me...

1. How has being a parent changed you?
Hmmm... well, for starters, it whalloped me with a great big dose of self-doubt. Seriously. I was a fairly self-confident person up until then, but suddenly I felt like I didn't have a CLUE what I was doing and mostly I assumed I was probably doing it wrong. I've chilled out a lot since then (because, surprisingly, my kids aren't turning out half bad!), but I still feel lost a lot of the time.  What if I don't make them eat everything on their plates - will they die of scurvy? What if I DO make them eat it all - will they develop eating disorders? What if I don't make them go to bed before 10:00 - will they fail at school? Oh my gosh... the worry and fear and... well, you get the picture.

But there are also all those other things they tell you in the parenting books... Like the fact that you suddenly find yourself lost in a love so deep it feels like there's no bottom. Like the instantaneous realization that you are no different from a mother bear and you have little doubt that you could kill someone who threatens your child. Like the fact that the world feels bigger than you could ever have imagined it feeling. And then there are the moments when you're sitting around a campfire laughing with your partner and children and suddenly find yourself thinking "could there be any greater joy than this?"

And the funny thing is, as much as parenting contributed to my self-doubt, in a strange way it also made me a more confident person. It's hard to explain how it feels to have little people in your life who need you and believe in you in a deeper way than anyone ever has.

2. What have you learned from your children?
Oh my - it's hard to imagine all the things I've learned from them. For one thing, I became a leader shortly after becoming a parent, and I realized that I was a better leader because I'd learned some of my skills through parenting. For another thing, I learned just how different people can be. Each of my daughters is so unique that I've had to learn to relate to each of them (and discipline them) in very different ways.  Interestingly enough, I started to learn things about my own personality and my husband's when I started to see things that showed up in my kids. For example, I read a book about "raising your spirited child" (because I desperately needed it for my first, and then could have thrown it out when it came to my second) and there was something in there about "negative first response" that the oldest was doing that I also suddenly recognized in my dear husband. I was almost always ready to rush into new things, and here I was living with two people who made me stop and evaluate things first. It changed the way I approached things - made me slow down and learn to wait. AND I also came to realize that a tendency toward overstimulation was probably something that was inherited from me. I hadn't recognized it before I saw it in my daughter.

3. What do you wish you had known before you had kids, but learned the hard way?
That when you are a parent, you will have to answer approximately TEN MILLION questions a day and you will have to make approximately TWELVE MILLION decisions. The moment you walk in the door, expect to hear some age-appropriate version of the following: "Can I invite Jessica over for a play date? Do you know where my new mitts are? Can you buy me a pair of mitts, 'cause I can't find mine. Can we have chocolate ice cream for dessert? What time can Jessica come over? MOM - you PROMISED me you'd buy me some new pants, and NOW I have to wear the ones with the holes in them! Can I stay up late tonight, because there's a show I really want to watch. When are you going to help me with my school project? If we can't have chocolate ice cream, will you take me to the store for a Slurpee?" This can go on all night.

And your personal space - you know that space you used to guard so preciously, especially when you were tired or overstimulated?  Yeah, give it up, 'cause it will be invaded about as many times as you have to make a decision.  OH. MY. GOSH! I was not prepared for this.  The constant demands for answers and touch and decisions! Some days, I've threatened to put up a sign that says "Mommy is on strike until further notice. No more decisions will be made today. Don't even THINK about asking me if you can have another cookie!"

4. How do you juggle a career and THREE kids? It sounds super-human to me.
Oh yeah, I'm super-human, alright! Ha! Darrah, you're a peach for saying so, but I am SO not super-human and most days I feel like I'm not doing any good at either motherhood OR the career-thing.  And housework? THAT went out the window YEARS ago! You should see my laundry room or my refrigerator! You would very quickly retract that "super-human" comment!

The truth is, I couldn't do this without a great co-parent. Marcel and I really are partners in this, and often (especially when I'm traveling) he ends up carrying a lot of the load. It helps when you have a partner who balances off your weaknesses. For example, if it were only up to me, the kids would miss half of their soccer practices, music lessons, etc., because he's much more aware of what's on the family calendar and who has to be where at what time than I am.

Just for fun, here are a few of the things I've learned (and keep learning) that have helped me cope...
a.) You've gotta pick your battles. If you're exhausted and it just makes your life easier to say yes to that extra cookie, DO IT. The world will not come to an end. And your children will not become hardened criminals.
b.) Don't sweat the small stuff AND don't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. If they happen to wear their clothes to bed instead of pajamas (because they can't find them or because they're too lazy) - it really doesn't mean you're a bad parent. At least they're sleeping at YOUR house and not a juvenile detention centre.
c.) Sometimes you've got to change your definition of success. If your kids are interesting, decent citizens who have respect for the adults in their lives and they have moments of genuine kindness now and then, does it REALLY matter if their bedrooms resemble pig-pens?
d.) That super-mom crap that the media shoves down your throat? Give it up, 'cause it will only lead to failure and stress. If you don't have time for home-baked goodies for the class party, the kids will be equally happy (maybe even more so) with Oreo cookies.
e.) Your kids will be better off in the long run if (within reason, of course) you don't set aside everything you hold dear in order to cater to their every need. Do at least some of the things that give you joy, and learn to ignore the whining (which is mostly manipulation on their part) when they act like they should be getting ALL of your attention. As much as I sometimes feel guilty about it, I don't think my kids have suffered from me doing the traveling I do. I think they've learned to be more self-sufficient and they've learned that it's okay to follow your dream/calling.
f.) Be there for the tough emotional stuff they have to deal with, but don't do everything for them. There's no reason they can't learn to pack their own lunches by the third grade or work through some of their sibling rivalry without you trying to keep the peace. Sometimes there's a tendency to get overly involved in every little minutiae of your child's life - avoid it. In the long run, everyone's better off if you do.

Sorry, Darrah, if I've scared you out of child-rearing. :-) It definitely comes with its challenges, but in the end, I wouldn't change it for the world. I could never have imagined just how much fun it can be to hang out with your own children. (Of course, I couldn't have imagined how much emotional stress it will cause you either, but this was supposed to end on a positive note! :-)

The War of Art - words of wisdom from Steven Pressfield

"Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it." - Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

It's a pretty good sign that you've got a great book in your hands when you can't stand reading it without a pen close by.  The War of Art is one of those books. It's a quick read with lots of wisdom packed into its pages.

Steven Pressfield has been reaching out to bloggers, and I got a chance to lob a few questions his way...

1. I've only read part of the book so far, but in the part I've read, you approach the idea of "life's work" and "resistance" from the perspective of someone who knows his life's work is to write. What about those people who have a lot of creative talents and they're not sure what to focus on for their life's work? What suggestions do you have for them?

Remember that old Lovin' Spoonful song, Heather?

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

To say yes to one and leave the other behind?

It's not often easy, not often kind.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

It's really hard when one is multi-talented and pulled in multiple directions.  It was easier for me because I can't do much of anything except write.  What I would say is this:

If we find that we're pulled in multiple creative directions--start a business, write a screenplay, move to India and work for the Mother Teresa Foundation--the key question to ask ourselves is, "Which one am I most afraid of?"  Put another way: "Which one elicits the most powerful Resistance?"

I say in The War of Art that Resistance can help us in a weird way in that it can tell us what we have to do.  If Resistance is our enemy (and it is) and if it wants us NOT to tackle Project X, then... 

2. What advice do you have for parents trying to foster creativity in their children? Can we do things to help them grow into adults who give in to resistance less? 

That's a great question.  I'm not a parent so I can only answer theoretically.  One thing I heard once that made a lot of sense to me was on a disk called "An Interview with the Coach," which was an interview of Dan Sullivan of Strategic Coach by Joe Polish of the Genius Network Interview series.  It's worth tracking down, this disk, by logging onto "Strategic Coach" or "Genius Network."

What Dan Sullivan was saying was that our schools don't teach the entrepreneurial mind-set.  And they should.  Instead our schools regiment our children.  They prepare them to be cogs in a machine, to work for organizations, etc.  Nobody teaches us the skills of self-motivation, self-discipline, self-validation that are necessary to succeed as an artist or an entrepreneur or anybody who follows his or her own heart and who values the work for its own sake and for the joy it brings us, rather than just chasing a paycheck.

I think a parent should identify in her own mind the virtues that she'd like to teach her children and then teach them just like she would anything else--i.e., reward them when they appear spontaneously, reinforce them in all ways, talk equal-to-equal to the child about the reasons why these qualities are virtues and why they'll pay off.  And be alert to counter-conditioning, to nip it in the bud or to amplify it in the proper way.  For instance, if your kid is on the football team and the coach is hammering him to work hard, be tough, fight till the bitter end (all good things, in my opinion), amplify this by highlighting for your child the difference between externally-enforced motivation (what the coach is doing) and internally-enforced motivation (what the child will need when he goes out on his own.)

What virtues and what skills am I talking about?  They're the virtues of self-reliance (see the famous essay by Emerson): patience, kindness to oneself, self-motivation, self-discipline, self-validation, generosity toward others, ability to endure hardship, delayed gratification, the talent of listening to one's own heart and trusting one's own intuition. 

3. Do you think the proliferation of blogs and social media networks is fostering more creativity in our culture or less? (ie. Do you think this is offering more writers and artists the opportunity to try out their craft or is it just giving us more opportunity for resistance?) 

Great question, Heather!  To me, the qualities of mind that produce really good work (and also, in my opinion, produce happiness) are focus, concentration, the ability to go deep, and perseverance over time.  Things like Facebook and Twitter promote the exact opposites--shallowness, distractability, short attention spans, etc.

That being said, the one person in ten thousand who starts a blog and really goes deep with it may take the skills that she develops from this pursuit and use them at the next level--starting a business or non-profit, writing a novel, getting a Ph.D.

Note: I've got an extra copy of The War of Art, so if you're interested in it, leave a comment by Monday, Nov. 30 and I'll pick a winner.

Thirteen

She rolls her eyes at yet another story of Africa. She cringes when she catches a hint of a social justice rant erupting from your lips. She doesn’t want to hear you talk about hunger or human trafficking or unfair trade rules. She gets embarrassed when you tell the sales clerk you don’t want a plastic bag and would rather carry your items out of the store in your hand. She’d rather go shopping than just about any other activity in the world, and she doesn’t want to know about the stuff that’s produced by child labourers in Bangladesh, or about the mountains of waste created by overconsumption. She gets annoyed when you insist she can walk to the mall instead of burning extra gas to run the car.

But then one day, she comes home and tells you “I’m doing a project for school about the political situation in Zimbabwe – about how Mugabe stole the election.” And then she adds, incredulously, “most of my friends don’t even know where Zimbabwe is!”

And then, another day, “Mom – do you want to watch this with me? Tyra Banks is talking about sex trafficking. Can you believe what’s happening to those little girls?”

And then there’s the day when you’re at the mall with her, and she tucks her new shorts into her purse and shakes her head no when the cashier offers her a bag.

And your heart does a little leap of joy, because despite her best efforts to ignore you and be as different from you as she can, some of it has gotten through.

There's hope

Despite their many (loud and sometimes vicious) attempts to convince me they can't stand each other...every once in awhile there's a little glimmer of hope when I find them curled up on the couch reading a book together...or baking a cake together.And when I remember how much I now like my sister compared to how I felt 30 years ago... well, I'm downright optimistic!

Poetry in motion

Last night, while I watched yet another soccer game (Nikki scored! Yay!), I thought about a piece I wrote last year but never got around to posting. Since I never seem to have the inspiration or time to write a real post these days, here's an oldie that still applies...

We’ve been watching the World Cup off and on this past week. Nobody in our house is a huge sports fan, but the World Cup has attracted our attention this time around, partly because our kids are thick into soccer right now. So if you’re sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game 6 nights out of 7, why not turn on a soccer game on the 7^th night too? It’s contagious.

Soccer is an amazing sport, when it’s played well (or even when it’s played with heart by 9 or 10 year old girls). It’s a great spectator sport and I can see why it has so much attention worldwide. It’s not as complicated as some sports, and the calisthenics those players go through – well, it’s practically like watching a ballet. Oh, and there’s usually a fair bit of “eye candy” on screen, what with all those well-toned bodies movin’ and groovin’ on the field (no, no, I’m not the least bit shallow).

Even though I’m not a big sports fan, there’s something about watching a highly skilled person do what they do best that almost reduces me to tears because of the sheer beauty of it. It’s the same thing for other disciplines – music, painting, cooking, carpentry, public-speaking, writing – you name it. To see someone find their niche, own it, and then polish their skills through years of practice and sometimes agony, is magnificent and awe-inspiring (even if it’s not at the world-class level).

Several years ago, when I was a fairly new mom and I came to the realization early on that each kid came with a different blueprint and each blueprint would take years to decipher, I bought an invaluable book. It’s called 7 Kinds of Smart: Identifying and Developing your Multiple Intelligences by Dr. Howard Gardner. In it I found both relief and inspiration. I found out that, even if one of my kids didn’t naturally do as well in school as the other one, she could still be defined as “smart”. Her definition of smart would just have to come from one of the other intelligences rather than her school work.

According to Dr. Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences, the seven kinds of smart are: linguistic, musical, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal (the ability to understand others) and intrapersonal (the ability to understand oneself). Since then, he’s also added “naturalist" and "existential".

Especially when they’re in school, there is a tendency to rate our kids according to their academic achievement. It’s a temptation I’m sure we all fall into at some point. When they come home with their test scores or report cards, for example, it’s hard to resist asking how the other kids in the class did. When our kids do poorly, it hurts us, and we might even be tempted to blame the teacher or the testing method. When they score high above the other students, we look for opportunities to interject it into conversations with other parents (c’mon, admit it – we all do it).

I guess what I like about the multiple intelligences is that all kinds of smart are placed on equal playing fields. Your kid may be a soccer star, but he might do poorly in his math. Still smart. Another kid might be musically gifted, but couldn’t kick a soccer ball if it was the size of a small garage. Smart. Still others might be intuitive when it comes to relationships, or words, or craftsmanship. Smart, smart, smart.

I have a pretty good idea which kinds of smart I am, but here’s a test I found that helps identify them. (It’s far from a foolproof test, but it’s fun none-the-less.) No big surprise – I came out with linguistic, bodily-kinesthetic (not as in “athletic” but more like “craftsmanship”), interpersonal and intrapersonal as my top ones. I’m pretty low on musical, logical-mathematical, and spatial.

I’m still learning about my kids and I don’t want to stick too many labels on them this early in their lives, but I can definitely see that they shine in different areas. My job as their mom is to encourage and nurture whatever kinds of smarts they have and not value one kind above the others.

A moment in time

Someday, when my children have all grown up and left me for homes of their own, I want to remember what pleasure it once gave me to look in the rear view mirror of my bike and see this...

Sleep

Some of the parenting experts seem to think you can "teach your child to sleep through the night." Based on personal experience, I kinda think it's baloney.

One would think that after three children, I'd have perfected the "teaching". Quite the opposite. Sleep patterns got progressively worse with each child. My oldest slept through the night at two weeks and has been doing so consistently ever since. Not much "teaching" involved there.

Maddie, on the other hand, is five years old and still only sleeps through the night about half the time. Sigh. The other half of the time, she gets up in the middle of the night (at least once) and wants to climb into our bed. If I let her, much tossing and turning ensues. Moan. I suppose I didn't do enough "teaching" when she was 2 weeks old.

It's 2:23 A.M. My sleep has been disturbed one too many times. Where are all those parenting experts when I need them?

Another Mother's Day post

In some of my favourite moments today, I got to watch my children pour their hearts into some of their favourite pastimes.

Like playing soccer...

planting a garden with Pépère (using his back-saving contraption)...

and dancing!


Watching my sister parent also ranks as one of my favourite things to do.

Mother's Day

Forget Hallmark greeting cards, forget roses or expensive chocolates, forget all those things the marketers tell you you HAVE to buy for your mother. Just give me three big smiles, a lovingly prepared breakfast in bed (that is eagerly shared), three hand-made cards, a lovingly made chocolate rose, a pair of home-made earrings, a hand-painted jewellery box, and the odd "I love you, Mom", and I'm a happy, happy mom.

Because Robin over at Pensieve wanted to see my morning look anyway, I allowed a camera into the bedroom this morning to capture the mother's day festivities. Here I am in all my morning glory...

Just a simple mistake

A few weeks ago, a three year old child was killed in the town where Marcel grew up. In a freak accident, she was run over by her own mother. While her mom was in the store, the little girl crawled out of her car seat and climbed out of the car. Her mom got back in the car, assumed her daughter was still where she belonged, and backed up – right over her daughter. A simple mistake. She’ll have to live with the consequences of that mistake for the rest of her life.

Today I read about another little three year old girl who went missing from a resort in Portugal. Her parents were dining in a restaurant about 100 yards from the room where they’d left their children sleeping and unattended. They checked on them every half hour, but the last time they checked, the door was open and their three year old was gone. A mistake, the parents say – they made a simple mistake.

In both cases, people have commented about the bad decisions the parents made. Shouldn’t they have been more careful? Couldn’t they have avoided it?

Last night, I made one of those mistakes. We’d parked the car on the side of the road at the soccer field. While I put my purse in the trunk and Marcel retrieved his lawn chair, Maddie asked if she could run to the playground. I said “Sure. Go for it.” I assumed she meant the soccer field, which was on the same side of the street as us. She didn’t. She meant the play structure on the other side of the street. As she darted into the street in front of the oncoming van, I realized my mistake, spun around, shouted, and grabbed her. The van slowed. Nobody got hurt. We were all just a little shaken. A simple mistake.

The difference is, I don’t have to live with the consequences of my mistake. I get to play the “oops – messed up - try again” card. Other than reminding myself to pay a little more attention next time, I get to forget anything ever happened.

I hope the parents of those other two children will find grace in their lives. I hope there will be plenty of other parents around them who will admit that they make mistakes too. I hope that, over time, they will learn how to forgive themselves.

It's what you do when it rains

Like I've said before, few things feed my self-doubt like parenting. In most other things I'm involved in, I'm reasonably sure of myself and believe that I can do the job just as well as anyone else. Parenting though - oy veh. I doubt almost every decision I have to make, and as every parent knows, there are LOTS of decisions. Is it okay to give them snacks before supper once in awhile? Should I get them involved in as many activities as their friends are involved in? Are they doing enough chores around the house? If I say they can't play soccer during the winter because we can't afford the exhorbitant rates of indoor leagues, will it damage their chances of progressing next year? Should I let them quit piano or should I push them a little harder? If they have a fight with one of their friends, what's the best way to respond? Oh the pressure!

Every once in awhile, though, the light shines through, and I know I've given them some small intangible gift that makes up for some of the poor decisions I might have made.

Last week, Craig Kielburger was talking about an experience he'd had somewhere in Africa. He'd been visiting a village where they'd helped dig a well, and when the rain started to pour down, the visitors had all run for cover while the local people had run out into the downpour. One of the villagers had come to him and dragged him outside saying "It's raining! We have to dance! Rain is good! We need rain for our crops to grow!"

While he spoke, I smiled - remembering that just the week before, Maddie had tried to drag me outside. "Mom! It's raining! Let's go outside!" I was busy at the time and didn't really want to get wet, so I stayed inside, but she went and played in the front yard and came inside soaked to the bone and grinning.

Suddenly, as I listened to Craig's story, the memory of that moment made my eyes fill with tears. Of COURSE she wanted me to go outside - she still believes that that's what you do when it rains! Last year, when it finally rained after a dry spell, the girls and I all ran outside to dance with the raindrops. (You can find pictures here - check out Maddie's face!) We followed our dance with a walk around the block where splashing through puddles was mandatory.

The moment of realization was a tiny affirmation that I'm doing alright as a mom. I might mess up now and then, but at least I'm raising a child who believes that when it rains, you really should dance.

This is how parents spell "freedom"

Tonight Marcel and I went for a walk - JUST BECAUSE WE CAN! After eleven years of parenting, we have reached a new milestone. We can leave our children at home for short periods of time without a babysitter. Wow!

There were so many days in those eleven years when we felt like we would NEVER reach that magical day when the kids would be capable of staying home without us. All those nights when we dreamed of just going for a short walk together after a long day, and those weekends when we knew the best thing for our relationship would be date night but we hadn't thought ahead to book a babysitter - well, they're fading away and now it feels like barely any time at all has passed in between.

Just as we'd begun our walk, we passed the house of our neighbours M&J. Their drapes were open and we could see J trying on a new snuggli. M&J just gave birth to their first baby a few weeks ago. Marcel and I smiled as we walked past. Even though some days it felt like our kids would be dependent FOREVER and we'd never go for a walk alone again, other days it feels like just yesterday when we were in their shoes - trying on snugglis and rocking our new baby to sleep.

In the blink of an eye, it all changes and we enter a new stage in our lives. I love this stage just like I loved all the others. I don't want to go back to where M&J are, nor do I want to rush ahead to where Linda is. I will enjoy this moment while it lasts.


P.S. Speaking of our firstborn, if anyone feels so inclined, you could wander on over to her blog (yes, she's finally posted) and leave her a friendly comment - she's feeling pretty disappointed about not making the developmental soccer league. She's a pretty good soccer player, and (trying to be unbiased) I was a little surprised she didn't make it too. Even her old coach was sure she should have made it.