So-and-so

Everybody’s got a few so-and-so’s in their life. You know who they are. It’s the person who always succeeds brilliantly in every area in which you fail. So-and-so has been making my life miserable lately with her “fingernails on a chalkboard” need for perfection.

So-and-so wouldn’t have wasted an hour watching mindless television last night (especially when it was a re-run she’d already seen) and certainly wouldn’t have left 2 loads of clean laundry unfolded for the children to rifle through this morning.

So-and-so doesn’t have a months-old pile of bills gathering dust on top of the microwave – she would have sorted them all and filed them away in crisp neat colour-coded folders. And none of the bills would ever be paid late.

So-and-so wouldn’t have forgotten to go through her daughter’s school supply list one last time, sending her to school without the paper towel, paint shirt, and ziplock bags.

So-and-so would have put the slow-cooker on HIGH on Sunday morning, so that when it was time for potluck, the potatoes in the stew would have been “al dente” rather than rock hard.

So-and-so wouldn’t let her children go to bed with their clothes on – she would ALWAYS have clean, folded pajamas lined up in the appropriate places in their dresser drawers.

So-and-so doesn’t show up at soccer games on rainy days without an umbrella or rain jacket. In fact, so-and-so would probably have extra umbrellas in her car for all the other poor slobs who’d forgotten theirs. Plus a couple of blankets to keep the players warm on the bench. And at the end of the game, she'd pull out rice krispie squares for all the players, with a few extra for their younger siblings.

So-and-so wouldn’t just have good intentions, she’d actually follow through and phone those people who are sick or lonely. She’d probably also bring them a casserole. And wash their floors for them.

So-and-so always stands up to bullies, speaks her mind even when it means risking her reputation, and never hears the words “avoids confrontation” on a performance review.

So-and-so never runs out of money before the end of the pay period, even in September when she has to buy school supplies and new indoor runners for three kids, pay lunch fees, pay soccer registration fees, and pay for music lessons with one pay cheque right after a family vacation. She would have been prepared and stashed money away for just such a rainy day.

So-and-so never feels awkward in a crowd and always knows how to make other people feel comfortable and relaxed. She can start a conversation with anyone and never hurts anyone’s feelings because they think she’s stuck-up and ignores them.

I hate so-and-so.