I wanna be profound

I wanna sit down at this computer and type something profound and noteworthy. I wanna be creative and brilliant and wax poetic about something meaningful. I wanna make you laugh or make you cry or make you sit in awe of the way I string together words.

But I got nothin'. Big ZIPPO. Zilch. Nada. Don't know why, but I'm drained dry. Got no creative spark, even when I dig down deep. The only thing down there, in the place where there USED to be a creative spark, is a pile of smoldering embers, soggy and wet from too many days of rain, rain, and more rain.

So, in the absence of brilliance, here's a list of boring random thoughts...

1. I just finished reading "Secret Life of Bees". MAN I wish I could write like that. (Yup, for those of you who were wondering, that was one of my purchases with my birthday money.)

2. Tonight, after a long and frustrating evening, in which it seemed the only way I was interacting with my children was in the form of argument, I walked into the kitchen and heard the song Marcel had playing. "How could I live without you" - by Trisha Yearwood. That was one of the songs we danced to at our wedding. Right there, in the kitchen, tonight, we danced again. The kids were in bed, and it was just him and I in the kitchen. Yeah, go ahead and smile, 'cause it was a nice moment between two people who might forget sometimes, but after 12 years, are still pretty crazy about each other. And in the words of Trisha... How could I live without him? There was one day when I thought I might have to learn to live without him, but thank God, I didn't have to.

3. We've been doing interviews for one of the director positions at work this week. We've done six and have one more to go. Part of me loves being on THIS side of the table - getting to ask the questions and watching how people struggle to present themselves in the right light. What makes them answer the way they do? And why is that I form an opinion of a person almost before they've finished answering the first question? Do those opinions have anything to do with reality? But there's another part of me that finds this completely exhausting. And by the sixth interview, I have a heck of a time trying to keep them all straight. And then, the other part of it is having some empathy for the person on the other side of the table. All of the people we interviewed are from different cities and most from different countries, and so all of them have probably had to have conversations with their families - "if I get this job, we'll have to move away from home." And yet, only one of them will get it, and so the others will have to live with the disappointment, and tell their families that no, mommy/daddy didn't get the job this time. That's the part where I don't really like having their future in my hands.

4. PLEASE somebody make the rain go away. That's ENOUGH already! I got soaked and muddy biking home from work today, and I just wanted to crawl into the bathtub and CRY!

5. If I can JUST survive next week (board meetings, team retreat that I have to lead, major project deadlines) I MIGHT actually be able to take a couple of days off. Oh, I sure do hope so!

6. Somebody said to me today (not one of the people we were interviewing, by the way) "If you don't have passion for something, then you shouldn't be doing it. Find someone else who can do it better." It's not entirely practical, 'cause there are LOTS of things we have to do that don't have anything to do with passion, but I think he's partly right. But sometimes you just have to trudge forward and hope the passion catches up with you.

I think I'll go to bed now. Maybe the beauty sleep will help revive that creative spark. Or maybe not, and I'll slug (is that a word I can use as a verb?) through another sloggy soggy day just hoping some light will appear.

By the way, hello to Glenda! Don't know you, but I hear (from Michele) that you're reading, and you're welcome! If Michele likes you, I'm sure you'd be a friend of mine, 'cause Michele's got GREAT taste!